letter to my former PT as i try and heal

Dear PT there isn't a day that goes by that I don't cry ..although i only allow myself part of the day to let myself feel all my feelings and process the loss. my medical world will never be the same. i've honed in on all you taught me remembered most of our sessions i've medisteted and even remembered your techniques i think you would have been proud of me advocating for myself when i was left with no use of my legs, pelvis and tspine i directed and showed her all you did and guess what my Tspine came back on,one , my plevis evened out ..there were no words when i felt it engaged again all of our hard work brought back to life then it was onto the next...and for that she used her training and expertise but all along i've said it's been the adductors from day one that PT did the met that botched me it was and it is ..they are working in overdrive this new one ...pt#4 she's afraid ..i have to assure her i can tolerate more pressure my body need more so there we were debating the placement of a rib and i said no it needs back trust me once i feel it's out my body will not be aligned now that i do know it's been stirred up even if my pt left it ...it's now disturbed you have to put it back she didn't want to she did some woke on my neck but always says how tight.... you never said that you said some is just my normal tone i hate this ...hate it why were you taken so suddenly why won't you answer her again why i then asked for cold laser..she must have been pressed for time as she ran out to grab it she does the cold laser never checks my alignment again i'm quick to dress and she flings off the sheets all in a rush you never rushed me you were always calm... you were never frazzled like this you gave me peace when my body had none , hope when i had none you got me back my life i hope one day we cross paths and can laugh at all this all these wackos that can't help they think to much aren't cautious enough oh my pcp was shocked i was crying even more shocked at how my body looked, deep curve in my back i couldn't walk or stand or sit he calmed me much like you would ..he said to not count you out yet and it maybe something in your contract i'm just not so sure i don't get why you didn't reply again to PT#4 he thinks you will resurface and the truth will come out and it won't be pretty i sure hope so. last nite i found an old email you sent after a tspine adjustment ... i used what you said in it and it helped me tremendously the current one is clueless i will use her until everything is back online and then i'm done and just hope maybe you will resurface i'm also on restrictions not to walk far only on my driveway and around the house i wish i knew what really was going in with you and if i would ever hear again it would help with my healing most of all if all they say is the truth i hope you are getting better and i hope have your own healing going on

Pt#4 finally replied back

she kept me hanging for way too long blew off one email and then finally replied today with some suggestions tspine resets that i've never done before...mentioning using former PTs props here is the going i've been prop free for years now i really only had three sessions last year if you don't count the two times i had to go back in for a disc that popped out my tspine was good for a year we celebrated it the tspine was our project she took me from the depths of no return when she said look at you girl your shoulders are supposed to touch the table and i was stunned i never noticed before so we slowly worked on this and it was hard work it was dedication it was me not knowing to trust the young somewhat quirky PT but it started to work like really work and then one day she says look at you your shoulders are touching and all so now here we go again not only that but i woke up with bad pelvic floor pain pt4 had suggestions for that but i'm not comfy with them so will hold off i sure don't need anything added this feels wrong very wrong...there is no soothing no feeling me back in it's just words on a screen instructions as if i'm a PT i'm not a PT of course and i wish i had seen her before i was botched i'm in a panic crying and just wishing my pt would return and just do one more session to get me back but i'm in denial she kept no notes i'm hurt and i'm reeling and there is no one to bring me back in ... so i remember her words last winter when i could hardly walk had to manually lift my leg out of my car i remember me always making jokes about my body and her laughing i remember her halloween skelton that cheered me up and her being happy at my progress and here i am crying as i type just so beyond scared i'm stuck like this...i have to hop to walk my pelvic floor is all unregulated and i'm in so much medical debt but if i could just get to the other side again...i think i will be ok ...in fact i know i will i will, eat again and rest and not stay in one position take that seriously not over do it and ask for help people are offering me all kinds of help.... rallying around me but i don't want anyone to see me like this hopping and hobbling a damn near wreck i'm sad ...so i did three thoracic traction like resets which are interesting i never knew i could do it..i seem to be sitting better did PT#4 just show me what she knows ? to be honest i don't really care for her ...but i didn't like my life saver either when i met her , heck she flared me to no end , i may even have and entry about her i even took a break from treating with her when we started ... but she knew what she didn't release and she knows me somewhere in that mixed up mind of hers she knows me...she knows i need help but she just won't reply .... in this mist of all this is worry for her leaving with no notice set off a lot of us i would have rather she emailed us to let us know so we knew it was coming from her 11/25 at 1146am i will never forget that text ...my life was changed for ever i lost my lifesaver

there were no chart notes being kept

i feel like this is some bad soap opera or lifetime drama at this point, i saw the envelope in my inbox of the mail arriving that day. I zoomed in and was in disbelief, so when I opened it i was both shocked and utterly sad that they only notes i have from the PT were from 2017. just four sessions that's all . there was an eval from the owner where she lied and made up things about me and then lied and stated i didn't which to continue treatment which i never ever said. she also had no notes documenting my treatment that day. she's a horrible person. I waited two months for nothing basically...just a blurb of my treatment life there in front of me the times when i was much worse...the date gone bad etc. now i'm worse again...when i walk my left hip pulls towards my pubic bone it's awful and i've never been like this...this is all since that pt hurt me. these people are lying pos animals ...i've had enough. years of hard work are going down the drain right now the new PT can't get my pelvis right at all and now my t spine feels off i can't even walk and today is a nice warm day in january i'm stuck inside because i can't push thru this pain... i don't know why these people can't fix this shit... why my PT had such a good handle on it all...i'm losing my life. i sent the pt one last msg begging her to help and i would pay her anything at all that the new pt can't get things back in place and i'm ducked no reply all ignored then going thru the records i saw an unsigned consent form and at the top it stated the care was the responsibility of the owner an not anyone that worked there meaning we were her patients so i can assume the pt has similar in hers so i might be being made worse due to some clause in some stupid contract because this owner is pure evil the pt never replied to the new pt either that asked further clarification this is some shit. can't help treat one of her alleged favorite patients leaving me to suffer physically and financially all the years of hard work being ruined by idiots that got their license from a cracker jack box all last year it was upper cervical ...now it's everything imaginable i'm really ducked i keep praying she resurfaces somewhere ...for all i know she's working at another place ...we just don't know. but help us ...i need help before i'm even worse off ...i don't know how someone ignores pleas for help i really don't i didn't ask to be disguarded not like i left her ...this is so fucked up

PT#4

disclaimer i think this one is the most understanding, empathetic ..nice and trying to help me she isn't cheap it's clear after today's session it's going to take time... the former PT did reply to her right away but wasn't able to help her much...i of course knew what she meant so there i was guiding this PT... she couldn't get the spine muscles to relax and the ribs were a challenge for her she spent half the session on my low back i have to remember these sessions are long and sitting that long isn't good either i'm not used to having to guide someone like i don't mind telling them positions that work but it's scary when a pt can't get a rib back and i have to suggest they indirectly move it by moving something lower like i said i think she's the best i've seen thus far , but she's not her no one is her and that's just it i left out if there wasn't out and frazzled an hour is way too long to be touched i'm used to in and out and feeling better she didn't reply to the pt asking for more clarification...i know why..she used to get frustrated because they didn't know enough i have no clue how she learned all this she probably tho is she should know ...but how can u just leave a patient that's getting worse and can't comment on my current condition when she would comment via email to me when she didn't see me i missed her by a damn day it haunts me i'm down $700 and still not better ... i'm worse i didn't like how she was pressing hard on ribs to get them moved... it's scary really i'm going to try one more email and offer to pay former PT i need my life back i dunno i think i should have had some results tonite i think everyone is stunned this happened it's not normal that it did pt usually transition their care they don't up and walk out i'm suffering and just drowning financially tomorrow i will send another email and hope she replies i also will search and see if i can find someone in florida away from this mess maybe the PT would talk to them if they are out of state

we all tried but none of us heard back

we all typed up emails ... all in the back of our minds wondering what really happened our minds couldn't comprehend what happened as our bodies struggled ..oh how we all struggled. i've come back to this blog to vent to get this off my chest to get this all on record i sent a somewhat mean email to her ..i guess i thought perhaps if she saw what i was going thru she would appear but the email hasn't been opened she has indeed vanished i'm worse and the new person hasn't replied like she always would ... i'm left to rot in pain ..i texted the office asking if i could get in sokner if there was a wait list ...last weekend they replied today nothing i barely hanging in, urine retention can't goto the bathroom everything is stuck all the external muscles like wtf she knew how to fix this how to mai gain it and i'm so fucked like really fucked it's hard enough but when you finally find someone and then they vanish and you are made worse etc like wtf so yes we all sent msgs and they all went u read...just left in an inbox like she's dead, but only she isn't she isn't ..... there are patients like me being made worse and not knowing it ... lives being altered and she couldn't have told me straight up on the 15th she was leaving ..she didn't she lied i missed her by a day...i rescheduled which is the worst decision i ever made , ever this is horrid , they all knew internally at the office and hid it like it's some twisted f up game you play with all of us i'm mad and i'm not sure what to do who can help me and now i can't even goto the bathroom who does this to patients ? today i'm angry very angry ...there hasn't been a day i haven't cried since you left it's been three months since she treated me ...my body can't hang on much longer

PT #4

not the way i wanted to spend NYE but they had cancellations so there i was cold winter day on a train back into the city... being that i'm now always loopy on meds just to function i had to ask people for directions ...luckily two nice women were headed in my direction to see the lights... i ended up walking past the building and once again asking for help, went into a store and they told me where i needed to go so in i walk and up the levator i go...with a minute to spare ... i was met with soothing music and so i sat and did some deep breathing to relax and to calm myself from the mad dash from the station the session went ok, pt agreed the other one did throw off my pelvis and it is causing me the added pain....so validation there always trust your body always she listened to me and said i could cry if i needed but i made it the entire hour with no tears she did some minor work but nothing helped and i'm just not sure ... it's so expensive and i'm swimming in debt since my ot quit i hate this beyond words she's going to try and reach out to my pt but i doubt she will even reply it's like she's basically dead the trip back didn't go well, i had bad back pain and stopped to take pics of the lights and it was all just too much sucks so bad i got on the train and somehow missed my stop...i must have zoned out it was insane , so the stop i got off on has this steep ass ramp and it was horrible and then i walked the wrong way and had to go back thinking maybe i could catch the next train but the next train was at 10pm... so uber it was ...thankfully a nice guy picked me up and was so empathetic , really nice guy so that was more money today was horrible just bad pain, my pelvic floor is a mess, the pubic bone is all jacked up i know what needs done and just need someone to do it.... this is insane i had a meltdown bawled my eyes out and was so angry that my PT couldn't just stay one more day to see me it's horrid .. so far i'm up to $490 spent since she quit and next week is even more , going bankrupt for what would have been an easy fix

now pain with sitting

so since that bad pt session i now have pain with sitting back again...something is off as i haven't had thisnis years . i'm not doing well at all... i just force fed myself some chicken and a sandwhich but to be honest i could go days without eating. i can't calm down my nervous system for the life of me ... the pain is ten times my baseline it's horrific ..it's foreign and it's scary as a heck... i've ordered twice from a local place using uber eats ..ironically the same delivery guy...after the last delivery and him thanking me i just thought the guy has no clue i just dragged myself out if bed and will eat and then climb back into bed ...i tipped him the usual amount probably more than most would given all those added fees... i figure he's nice enough, not bad looking and who knows what pain he hides . the food is good actually and it's better than force feeing myself ....but the price along with the suddenly added pt expense is too much ... i know by laying in bed all day i'm most likely making myself worse but i can't sit now ...i'm scared ...i wasn't that bad and now i'm so much worse in pain for well over a month...and with pain u never want it to go this long soon it will be chronic it's a deep pain coming from my back tomorrow i'm seeing my dad's friend who does massage it's not cheap and yhenirony my dad's the reason i missed the last pt session i still cry everyday , i still wonder what really happened , i still look for an email or text from her i'm no stranger to people that treat me getting sick.. years ago word reached us fast a well known dr had cancer another dr office sent out a letter that due to his divorce he had a breakdown and retired ..later an attorney told me he lost it on the stand during a court proceeding this though this with my pt this is different this was plotted and thought out ...they knew doe two months they let her treat while being not well mentally not stable when thenownwr says thenpt didn't tell a soul she means herself she is projecting she knew as an owner and didn't tell us ... she allowed us to still schedule and her pt was due to leave in december she didn't give a frack and i hope someone sues because i doubt no one will be injured because of this whole mess if she was so ill then i'm sure she harmed someone the owner told me the pt wouldn't have been able to help me and i was too shocked to say oh really so u let her treat ill isn't that a liability ? they are scum of the earth i still have no records going on a month now ... they are evil pos i'm mad at the pt too knowing how i needed her couldn't have been upfront with me ...was so ill yet replied right away a week prior on her day off you all are such trash honestly i have no respect ...if it was sudden i would get that ...it wasn't you just didn't care about me you lied perhaps the office should have told up i'm now way worse , worse than i've been in years ...the pt has no fracking care all i was is a number all an act for years betrayal is what it is....after i get my records i'm going to a library and writing a review i don't wat patients thinking this office is top notch it's piss pour

made worse by Pt #2

went in for jase and neck issues mention i had slight burning which is usually the pubic bone Pt the whole time asks how former pt treated me so when i tell he her she says oh i don't know how to do it that way this way works and laughs as she uses the shotgun method and leans into my bad side where the app flared to begin with then she has me resist her hands and i felt a pelvic floor tug for those with pelvic issue in remission you know what this is like as the nite went on i was sore and the next days next full blown agony, can't walk, sit, lay down etc owner was defensive and said i its pribabky bevause it was never in place like that in years ...i disagree she also said the PT couldn't put the pelvis back just with massage. they went from being open to very defensive once i questioned something which is disappointing. they said i expected too much in an hour... no i expected not to be made worse and be worse as the days go on i'm no newbie to flares but for me i flare after and then get relief today i was so dizzy i fell into my bed i'm scared i'm worn and i just need this fixed that they made worse my pt never used these harsh methods she said they weren't needed st all for me so now i suffer she ghosted us all won't reply to reply to emails and i'm losing respect honestly what i think is she didn't feel mine was an alignment issue pts ask me my home program for corrections ....i had none but s leg pull i wasn't off or out we had that stabilized so noe i'm in panic mode worse by the day some friends say it's my CNS because i just went thru s huge loss of losing her but i was ok until adjusted everything is so tight i can't even move tomorrow is Pt #3 to see if they can fix what they made worse my pelvis used to feel free now it doesn't for years the pt i saw focused on being aligned and over corrected me i never got better with her i'm really worried tonite all these pt keep questioning me and why i saw he her dour this year everything is questioned all i want is my baseline back then i'm stopping for the winter months i mentally can't take much more of it

i returned and will never go back

it was odd being back ..back where you helped me so much. the dog greeted me as if it knew . the session was not good...she's not you. i feel like i had nothing done. she put her hands in my mouth and tried again to put her hand in my mouth to pull up on my head but i stopped her i would not be injured again i feel like i wasn't even treated , i'm not aligned, my pain is bad going on a month she told me they knew since fall... but why on earth did she not tell patients you were struggling so we could have gotten in. she brought you up and talked all session about you, so i paid for her to speak on you. i didn't know what to say honestly ...she's et in her ways she believes you didn't give us proper care and the rest i won't post publicly. i'm angry at her for not notifying us she said your personality has totally changed and you won't reply so don't expect it so i'm left with no PT that can help ...i'm devastated. i'm trying to make sense of it and i never will blame you ...i'm sad after so long you are gone but i blame her...she should have let us all know you were ill. she's replaces you already...but i won't be back... i'm stunted why she has such a great reputation she's nothing like you and she's just so much toxic drama . so here i am ...i never saw this coming ... i'm lost, i'm scared....there is no one in this area that seems to know what you did. i found some people you worked with and i'm going there ...trusting you gave them guidance but i'm in pain and i'm lost ...and i keep praying i find someone . yes you left us all to find someone but she should have told all of us ....i never would have reschedule and i would have been helped and not stuck. you weren't just my PT..you were my pcp, my advocate and my friend i'm sorry you were badmouthed and made to look bad ... it's not right what she's doing not at all. i will keep praying that you resurface but until then i have to try and direct someone to treat me ... but i'm so lost i don't understand why this happened the universe is cruel. ps i quit the cafe

not sure what to title this

i've spent the last two days practically all day researching a replacement . todsy i took a call at 9pm from one potential replacement the cost is a huge issue with me and they mentioned they do a lot of tissue work, which in the past has flared me my pt knew from the start how to treat me i'm sure she flared me a few times but it isn't something that sticks in my mind lately it was just other issues popping up right after the session discs out...lack of rom i didn't flare for days i don't think i need all that muscle work nor do i want it i just want the quick massage and joint glides tomorrow i will return to the office and she won't be there ...it will be odd and sad and i will see how she treats i heard again her bedside manner is not warm and fuzzy i just wonder if the pt knew this when she started there or if it began to drag her down as the days went on being ghosted is tough what's even tougher is trying to find a replacement i wish i had asked her who she would suggest but i never thought she would up and leave my gut says soon the truth will come out , probably sometime next year so tomorrow i just hope i can get out of pain and she's open to listen to how i was treated

today's call and trying to regroup

I spoke to her today and she was cold like I always thought as i was warned about . you had no idea of knowing of course you were new to the scene...you fell for it all. it wasn't an easy call today... i had all i could not to defend you ... if you really are ill it's not your fault you kept bad records that's not on you. i was told seven weeks ago you knew, they knew .... everyone but us knew . why couldn't you tell me? why didn't they? they tried to get me for a longer session i declined...i expressed why i declined they didn't care nor try to work out payments it's not my fault either as she spoke the words to me that she abandoned everyone , she must be hurting as this is not like her. she wasn't keeping good records i asked how long it's been going on and then yea it's not like her .... but i followed the trail 7 weeks puts you back to where you vanished and i had to see a body worker ..more money and then see you we talked about the body worker and my symptoms l..i didn't ask how you were feeling there was never much time. you looked ok to me.... did you not know then? or was it whatever was bothering you why the session messed up twice? did the staff know and continue to lie and hide it from us? i didn't like her tone and i didn't like her saying she is better than you i didn't like how she has no direction about my care...the special plan you and i developed were you that sick for seven weeks you couldn't develop a plan? you texted with me just ten days ago and never even said a word again hiding it from me .... i didn't deserve to know? none of this sits ok with me as i still cry daily off and on and at times am so overwhelmed trying to find someone to get me out of pain you had seven weeks , she had seven weeks... yet no care plans were developed? makes no sense at all ... even if you had one month left something needed to be in place abandonment does something to a person...to leave with no goodbye and just ghost patients is horrific really i plan on going in keeping my mouth shut and hoping she doesn't make me worse i'm kinda mad tonite ...8 years of me trusting you and in the end i'm tossed like trash and she, she has no records ...like seriously the truth will come out...i plan on finding it out my own way ... nothing like being left with no plan of care and no PT and they all knew

I lost my PT this week ..devastated is an understatement

you all know how it goes as a chronic pain patient. you're going along living your life the best you can. you work hard to build a great team of medical workers to help you. then one day your dealing with some pretty bad personal issues which has left you with no help doing the tasks you can't do so instead of keeping the PT session you wake up and text asking to reschedule and to your relief they have an opening for the following day. so you go about life ...struggling in pain and new pain from doing stuff you shouldn't have to fit it all in before PT the next day your alarm goes off and you wake up and know you have to go drag laundry that you used to have help with.to a laundramat you get a text soon after the alarm we are sorry but pt is sick today we have to cancel, i take a breathe and reply ugh, ok when's the soonest i can get in pt already knew i was in a bad flare as i had texted her just five days prior if that my gut sensed something was off...she's never sick i push on with my life ...resting looking for someone to hire to help me the weekend passes and i rest as much as i can take half the laundry to get done monday i'm waking up and get the text that changed my life as i knew it for the last eight years at first i just thought they were canceling again, but i opened it and my hands shook. wtf effective immediately she has resigned i couldn't believe it so i call the office ...the office had no plans for my care, she was supposed to work until the end of the year i'm mad ..but i cry instead and i'm rushed off the phone as she has other calls i was told i would get a call back and didn't my world stopped , i cried ..it couldn't be real. my friend thankfully was on her way over...someone that understood... i emailed the PT i had her email and phone number ...it was that type of relationship this is really happening i thought...after years of horrible pt, being injured by one and this pt by devine intervention saving me literally giving me my life back in a blink she's gone...ripped from my team, ripped from my life with no warning and no goodbye the next morning i get three rapid fire texts ...wtf pt office...owner will be in next week, gave list of times ...some taken already so i jump on my phone and reply and then i'm mad ...mad i wasn't called, mad at how it was mishandled ...they could have easily waited a day to text me when they knew what they planned to do with her patients they didn't ...they made it worse , they set me into a horrid flare i got blunt and direct , i wanted my chart, i couldn't trust just one pt ever again i typed thru tears...i even said i hope the owner would agree to how my pt treated me that nite almost at midnite the owner sends the first professional msg...i assume the same one she sent every patient , my name wasn't mentioned ... why not just text that and only that msg and not stress me out and make it all worse for two days? oh i forgot how they want me to pay double for a new evaluation...as if it's on me that their pt quit as of right now until i hear it from my pt i'm not so sure the reason given is valid ... regardless the way it was told to me is cold did i mention when my pain is like this i'm supposed to limit texting and yet that's what the office is doing. i feel like i have to walk on eggshells with the owner ... there hasn't been a day since i found out that i haven't cried my eyes out. i think it would have been easier if the pt herself said hey, blah blah blah i'm leaving you in great hands... because i've been injured , and made worse ...i'm in a panic ...who will i email when in a flare? the kicker is i stayed in this state for my PT ... so now i'm planning on packing up and leaving is this real? yes sadly it is

i feel drugged but i'm not

i'm not sure what is now going on with me..... sunday the roof leaked yet again and i helped my dad clear out all my contents, i didn't feel all that bad...as always my body prefers moving around..and it was good to be up and out of the bed so the next day i went for a walk to mail a letter..and i didn't feel all that bad but did notice a lot of muscle pulling from bone pain in my calves. i als was taking two new supplements and too hyddoxizine so the day after i didn't feel all that bad, i figured the hysdoxzind calmed down my CNS .. flash dad to today and i feel so beyond bad, my eyes don't focus, i'm snapping and miserable....i walked to fast to go get something in another room and that triggered the burning pain all over again and it had calmed down i'm in ovulation cod yhe gidst time in months i have ovulation as used to, only thing is my vulva opening doesn't flare up like in the past i feel like i have a totally different body anymore ....it takes days to recover from walking and the burn def was triggered by the fast walking inside. if i wake up early enough i'm going to call the chiro office, i haven't seen him in close to three years... but if this is some sort of compensation when walking etc he will find it feeling this sick is scary ..i can deal with pain but this other stuff not so much...it's like i'm hovering just outside of sleeping but i'm awake .... seems neuro i stopped both supplements to give this time to sort itself out i also have been having trouble sleeping and woke up with the jaw pain again... laying in bed kills my spine i've been reading a lot of floxing blogs and it seems that is part of this as most started after cipro and levaquin ...levQuind is when i couldn't walk or get out of bed... it's 2am and i can't lay down just yet as i'm giving the spine a break as i was laying most of the nite i'm just praying this passes

doctor #8 this time around

i'm still mentally digesting the appointment. he spent a long time with me, which is a good thing. overall he is a doctor i can work well with ... after hearing my history over the last year including the last 13 years with this stuff ..here is the brief summary he feels it could be lichen planus , he examined my mouth and saw red gums and what he said was a canker sore ( i thought i burned the lip on food) try a new steroid ointment ...more money ...ughhh if it burns like the others did stop...ok he has a plan, perfect 2) pudendal nerve maybe entrapped he wants an MRN and nerve block eventually or it could be just a new presentation of my vulvodynia. he like all the doctors feels my pelvic muscles are tight ..although i did not experience pain until he was deeper in towards the back...and mostly out of past fear i was clenching he saw my pelivis was off and i had tailbone pain (both my pt found at my session) however my pt would not do internal work...this time saying last few times there wasn't much to work on....i'm so over it all... the dr even suggested i get a 2nd opinion i just don't know anymore as this really feels like a uti but not ic ....he feels that because the tissue is inflamed close to the urethra it's acting like a uti....i just dunno. i'm still having constiptation issues...heavy bulky stools now so i started probiotics again and hope i don't get an overgrowth of the good bacteria as no dr will treat that let alone use a microscope. before i look for a pt i'm going back to my chiro ... so that's the brief summary mentally i've had enough

my stomach again or is it the muscles

so my gi tract, rectum or whatever did it's thing again last nite...holding on for dear life, and no matter how much laxatives i took, it didn't matter...btw they seem to flare my bladder and after peeing at 3am i was awake burning with pressure front to back. this morning things were more relaxed and the grip not so bad,but the damage is done now again...it set offeverything all over again so tonite i went and bought higher fiber foods, despite trying this briefly...i'm going to try it again. i'm at my wits end while out tonite, i sat in my car observing how easily people moved about...how they took the movements for granted...the way an older man used one had to lift his trunk etc then there was the guy i bumped into last spring...he didn't see me but i saw him...i'm worse off now then ever with my health ... i'm leaning towards hoping back on antibiotics again ...nothing else seems to be working liquid diets baby food i'm frustrated ...i just had a few decent days and now back to this...

another session

today was another session, and the PT was happy with my thoracic spine progress. if i can do anything it is the ability to get the tspine back to where it needs to be....it's aggressive posture retraining, no laying down in bed despite the crotch pain...it's using tripods for the ipod and sitting despite the crotch pain my favorite part of the session was when she pulled out the cold laser...ironically a few days ago a family member mentioned ultra sound... i have been intrigued by cold laser from my favorite inspirational IG guru ..he has used it many times. i think i impressed my PT...i find it helps to be able to speak the same language as the PT at times...it doesn't mean i know more than her, just that i enjoy learning about the body so we have a plan again...which is working on the outside pelvic muscles until maybe a dr can sort out the cause this may mean a trip to dr moldwin so after the session i was supposed to just go grab water, but i treated myself to a meal and two beers... certain beers actually improve my pain...getting out really helped my mental state and i met a new friend who is also on disability...he's into tech and looking for new friends... so who knows....atleast i could be open with him about my disability... i don't promote drinking, but for me it does relieve my pain...mostly beers on nitro, which are less carbonated so i have one stretch i will do t my pt did say i have been here before and it much like when she had to retrain me how to sit, stand etc mostly because my first PT really was not good and even injured my neck and is why it is what it is now so we held off on my pelvic floor pt for today and i see her in two weeks..i'm going to stay positive and do my best , that is all i can can do. as for seeing moldwin...i will have to wait until next year ...first i have to see if he takes insurance. i'm

another session

i'm getting worn down..stressed to the max. the brief relief i had with the vulva burning was short lived...i forced myself out last nite instead of laying in bed making my neck worse ..it was an outside event so i walked around and stood listening to music ..and as i was going to leave i went to walk and the burn started all over again. i'm really wondering if this is somehow my bladder as i dark two small bottles of water. today , was more neck tightness and tonite i attempted a short walk and could barely walk...my pelvic are felt restricted like the internal muscles were keeping me from walking ...so i walked slow ... i refuse to let whatever this all is take walking away from me...it took me years to get to where i was and no way this is going to happen! i came home feeling rather depressed and went and laid on ice, which calmed down the pain and burning my period is starting to come early and of course the burn is worse .. i just sat in my kitchen eating baby food...peas and pumpkin... my stomach still is not right, so occasionally i will have baby food as a snack .. i don't think anyone will figure this out. my PT got back to me and said they think once a week sessions are best...i don't have that kind of money and i really think it's the tables in her new place that are affecting my neck. i don't see what once a week pt will do for the pelvic nothing seems to help that ....the burn is like an exposed nerve ending and i wonder if somehow this is how i now present with IC or is this part of the infection...like is the infection causing tight muscles and the pt briefly releases them and i feel better but then bam it's back again.... this wasn't supposed to go this way...i never thought i would have this again i need a dr that will check my hormones ..i've been suffering too long ...and i may try and get a round of doxy just to see if that helps this. with lyme anything is possible. i never have a good day...it's one big flare...

a lack of sleep and another day

i woke up at 730am alrleady in pain... my mom stopped over and massages my neck and first rib area...it's frustrating that i paid the PT to do this last nite and she missed all this...my eye pain and neck is way worse ... it's a real struggle...i'm alternating, standing, sitting and laying down...i just took mores meds. today is national nite out and i may attempt to go...i haven't been out in ages and i'm in pain regardless ...i mean whether i'm standing in my kitchen here or out standing same thing ....nothing makes sense anymore. I have to call the chiro but just feel so defeated today ...and i know mercury is still retrograde but this is getting crazy. the sole of my right foot is killing ...there is just so many compensations to unravel and the PT once every three weeks is just not logical as at this rate It will take years . i'm thinking back trying to remember if my chiro ever got me out of neck pain...that was ages ago, and my traps were so tight back then , he did help with so much and even my PT was impressed, I have to admit i'm anxious as what if this fails too ...i feel like everyone has let me down ...what is going on. as i lay here i know i shouldn't be typing but u can't stand or sit at the moment my brain and body need a reset ...i need a clear path

is it time to pass the baton or maybe consult the chiro again?

i'm just getting home from the PT session..and my neck is worse, they said they couldn't release it and i was basically causing it by being too elevated while laying down. well ok, i'm causing my owne problems, but i'm laying down because after last session , i couldn't walk after the pelvic work and it wasn't a flare, it felt restricted my pelvic floor is more the fascia now not actual muscles and the left hip flexor the deep muscle is very tight in thenleft side, which is where all my pain has been in my crotch for a full year now i feel my PT is a bit lost about my crotch pain ...her one theory is the muscles are pinching the pudendal nerve...ok valid theory and i can respect it...but why do creams and touching the skin burn it? also last year i had horrible left side groin pain where it is now tight and the ER felt it was the five cc cyst they found...all i know is the levaquin seemed to really set a lot off, just two pills and i couldn't even lay in bed the pain was so bad...i had painacroos my kidneys ... i saw the PT back then though.. . so was this all missed ? i'm going to make an effort not to lay in my bed and stand and type and walk around more, and sit if i can .and hopefully that will help my neck ..if that's really why it's all tight ..i'm not totally convinced as i've layed like that for years now. all that being said I think i owe it to myself to consult my former chiropractor who does ART and other modalities , he isn't as expensive and can hopefully figure out why this hip flexor is so tight i just walked from one room to another and everything hurts now ..itsblike it tightens up and i need compression on it via the belt this seems to be getting somewhat worse and not better, plus i got the microgen results back and they showed a UTI it's been a lot to take in today

why am I back here again and how did this happen

I forgot all about this blog. I just stopped writing , I stopped dealing with anything pelvic related and lost touch with so many. I was doing so well, I had two relationships last year , but at the end of the last ne something happened. I'm back here again, laying in my bed typing..knocking it will hurt my neck and hands. so i will get to the point. Last year around this time I had a PT session for my neck , the next nite I took myself out and sat for hours talking to this random guy about the guy i was dating. what a waste of time and of good health...i had decided that i wouldn't contact him again but then during a tipsy weak moment i texted him and he called me. he wanted me to come to his place but I didn't want t walk up all those steps again. yes i said steps and said sitting I was doing alllll of it again! I spent the nite at home alone ..but the next morning he texted and knocked on my door he was going to the beach and wanted to give me a massage well as i was getting ready for my showers he was massaging me then rubbed himself on me as i was not wearing anything i quickly washed off in the shower and felt ok. i drove to the beach ..we walked in the water but some splashed n y crotch....i had forgotten my change of clothes at the car ..epic fail i felt the rawness at the top left crotch ...again didn't make anything of it ...changed as soon as i could , again going up more steps and later sitting on a hard booth seat to eat. this guy has no clue of my crotch, how far i had come and everything that i was about to loose. as we were walking i had some urgency , and some irritation and itching but what was really bothering me was my foot and i really wanted to just stay down there....round trip is difficult for me...but he was selfish and to be fair has no clue all i dealt with . the days that followed were met with extreme itching at the top of the vulva, my period came early...i would get biting sensations in my leg, then i had clitoral pain and irritation with peeing. i had no gyno...no dr other than my urologist ... i got into see an obgyn and at the appointment he was terrible with the speculum, hurt me and wouldn't listen...wanted to blame it all on my muscles what i remember so vividly is the pain when he moved my cervix , it reproduces the pain in my left hip flexor , he felt it was either yeast or contact deemititis he did not run a yeast culture and he did not send my urine to the lab. the next week i saw one of the top dr in the country who failed me as well..he forced me to get yet another speculum exam , he did not think it was yeast at all ..smh....i had no clue then how far down the rabbit hole I was about to go. yeast cake back positive on culture his Np refused to give me meds that would work or have worked in the past..i got worse so off to urgent care i was urgent care later found a uti and at that point it was a month into this nightmare i did all the right things i got right to doctors etc. so i took the cipro and felt much better , i could sit again, and walk and i had my life back or so i thought the meds ran out, and i got my period and pain came back again the pain was up near the urethra on the skin ..so back to urgent care i go ad that dr refused me cipro and said levaquin..he swore i had a kidney infection ..aka my usually tight muscle to him was me guarding an organ i regret that i didn't call my pcp but he a few days prior didn't believe the cipro was working, but it was and it did . the rest is history ...wait lists and circles, pt confirming pelvic floor muscles weren't part of this that's the short version, there was an ER visit, intense kidney pain, a missed trip to florida, tears and more tears the medical community has made so many mistakes, they have failed me. i feel abused and broken ... i just don't understand how one dr can't just run proper cultures!! rule stuff out of heck put me back on antibiotic to see if it helps! i basically eat and lay in bed oh and did i mention the now fecal impaction after the cipro and the months of suffering? my pt at the last session feels that the superficial muscle is entrapping the pudendal nerve and thus pulling on the left skene gland...so when i said well this is the pain i've had for a year how can this all be....and she says the uti was causing it all. even she has in a way failed me creams feels like hot acid poured on me ...it's basically the left skene gland and what feels like the urethra or clitoris on the left side. how can not one dr figure this out...i'm sick of it. i'm so fed up i had bactrim in the closet and started it today...i need relief. ok, have to stop typing, as my wrist hurts ..felt good to get all of it out there ..out into the universe and hope maybe just maybe the universe sends some answers. PT tomorrow more money ..and no real relief she's all i have though