over did it again

so i know why i am flaring... that is a plus.
another positive is my period did NOT try to kill me this month..i just wish it stuck around a little longer than 3 days... my PFD doesnt li
ke when it abruptly exit 

Im upset tonite... depressed even... not because of this setback, but because it seems as if everyone in my life just decided to suck all at once today.  I wouldnt care normally... but tonite I am very sensitive. 
i feel very alone... and stuck... and in a setback where mentally i need to remain positive so I dont slip down that slipperly slope.

I hate relying on people hate it....   im writing here in the blog format so I dont sent out emails saying I am upset with those I am so that they will in turn lash at me more.  I admit Im not in a good place, but Im better than these people.. judgemental people.

the one appointment i needed to keep tomorrow i canceled... because I overdid it...  i have to think is my life really worth it...
i wonder what will happen if I just go into hibernation from these judgemental people..

really im down because of them.... ugh.. really... I need to pull myself up and soon..
another positive LAST week I got myself out of a flare.. yes ME.. completly out of a mega flare up... it was so beyond cool to have done that..  and PT was nothing... almost normal tone... im getting there.. little by little I am.
my T really helps me, wish I didnt have to cancel tomorrow... i kinda think I need him this week... i need something. 

the pain of overdoing it...ugh

OK, ok, so I freaking overdid it AGAIN.... only this time it feels so much worse.

I thought ok weather is nice so I will go out and walk...and i added two blocks to the walk... so then i did some stuff outside, and then did about 4 sets of leg lifts...

and then did an internal.. left side still burns today really bad...even have the burning pee back again...  today was emotionally tough....  knowing I caused all of this tightness...  and knowing that I have a very very loooong road ahead of me to gain back this muscle.

someone told me tonite that muscle takes time lots of time... they gave me some pointers that I hope to implement... they seem so positive and so driven...

I feel so alone lately... so friends have really let me down.. I was pretty sad tonite... the pain coupled with this just was too much and I just cried and still am crying.  I know I am better than this, better then them and their snide remarks...  one has gone distant again, and this is getting ridiculous on so many levels... way beyond acceptable and tolerable...   and I know they will indeed let me down tomorrow...and that sux.  and their is other oddness I want to discuss with them, but cant--  something is amiss and i hate that feeling. doing something that makes no sense at all no explanation doesnt sit well with me at all. feeling of being set up is not fun.

the other i will distance from... they are bringing up a lot of pain from my past that I thought I had dealt with....but do we ever really?  I just dont know.  All I know is that this person is the mirror image of another that is causing me pain currently.  It is a lot to process....but I most likely will have to if I want to get to a healthy place.  Thankfully I have a T session this week...as I want to run this by them to see their thoughts on my revelation.

I want more than anything to be understood... to have consistency in my life, to not have to rely on others... to not feel so beyond hurt.
but as I lay here typing with the V burning on the left, my right glutte throbbing..... and everything seems to be burning...i wonder what is the point....  im so fed up with my body.

I have the fissure back...i had four BM's in 8 hrs time yesterday...it was crazy... 

I just want to be happy... to not have this pain, to gain the muscle back.. seems so simple but yet so far away.

there is not one aspect of my life I feel in control of, not one.  I hope in the next few days to gain some clarity, much needed clarity.   and of course I hope tomorrow is a better day, as i have a ton of errands to accomplish ... I hope this pain goes away.

I want to give up , but cant, wont... I will try again to do the exercises... and hope for the best.  I also will hold out some  hope that some more supportive people will come into my life.  I think I do have two that sort of could fill that role.  they both seem to get me. 

ok, guess it is time for bed... tired of crying