Thursday, July 16, 2015

It's been awhile

I'm going to give this blogging a go again. I've mostly not posted because overall I am doing better. I'm writing more to just get something off my chest because I can't keep having it over in my mind, I tend to over think. So, let's see...on the dating front ...I've had some prospects...nothing really panned out though. So, I've been chatting with someone I interact with almost daily, I've been talking on and off with them for about two years...recently it has been more on than off in regards to chatting when I see them, So recently the conversations have gotten more personal. I am fairly quiet and really keep to myself. But this person has slowly gotten me to come out of my shell so to speak, their light hearted, off the wall nature seemed like just what I needed. So fast forward to the other day..they make a joke saying oh I bet u are on x site... And I'm like what is that? Is that a real site. They say yes..kinda smiling and laughing a bit. So they explain the site...and I ask if they have a profile and they do. All the while I am thinking...why is this person sharing such a personal thing with me of this nature. The convo continues and they mention they used to model when they were in better shape. I of course think this is just one of their jokes. The convo continues with more flirting on their part.... I decide to just go with it. Later I check out the site...and since I'm somewhat of a good detective I finD their profile, I stood their stunned and I'm sure my mouth was hanging open.... All this time I thought this person was a guy...come to find out they are transgender. i always questioned if they were possibly gay...I knew they were pan sexual. It took me awhile to let the shock where off... A lot didn't and still doesn't make sense. The flirting, the banter....I started to think way to much about all of it. With the spotlight on the transgender community of late, this is in my face daily... I find this person very nice to chat with They seem, fun, and odd in a quirky way. we are both somewhat reclusive and have some things in common. We can chat for awhile. Many would probably Run away at this point, but for some reason I feel drawn to figuring this out. Figure out why they mentioned that site...find out as much as they are willing to tell me, Today I interacted with them, but we both were rather subdued ...I am in a bad ic flare. But there definently was something missing from the conversation today. I have to wonder does he know that I know? I'm just not so sure. Maybe he just felt awkward or vulnerable or maybe I'm over thinking, I always feel like I live a lie..faking being healthy just to get thru life. Wondering when to tell guys about my illnesses , the sex etc....and here is this guy also hiding and in a huge way faking. I'm not sure where this will all lead,,,originally I was giving myself until the end of the month... So I will see them again tomorrow and I'm going to bring up a few things, maybe even that site. See how they act. The flirting last week was a bit over the top.

Saturday, January 4, 2014

My last well years

Hello Readers/followers- it has been a year since I posted- im coming back here tonite because someone suggested I start a blog..and then I recalled i had this one. when I got sick in 2005 it was sudden.. one moment I was vacationing the next i was beyond sick .. scary sick. ER type of sick. I tried to continue to work but could not. Then for a brief period of time my work forced me back and they saw that I could barely hold my head up at my desk..so I was placed back out on leave. I was bitter for a long time.. and too sick to even write a final goodbye email to all my coworkers and friends. I never really gave that aspect much thought.. The fact I was not given proper closer...how I was just cut off from the world I knew... I had a full life.. friends, a good job. A few nites ago I deiced to look up a few former coworkers..when I looked up this one guy; I shortly discovered he had passed away in 2010. It left me shocked..hurt and all typed of other feeling rolled into this big ball of emotional upheavel. he was young.. left a family.. we hung out as a group.. and had a lot of fun. while i was fighting for my health and my life consumed by this illness.. they all moved on.. and he even passed on. I feel robbed... im not even sure this guy knew what really happened to me... im not sure if it was circumstances..or if i stopped communicating with some...not by choice.. but circumstance. regardless, i may try and get back in touch with a few of them... im just feeling so much loss..i can even express it in words.. maybe the correct word is cheated.. i feel cheated out of the life i was living.. can anyone out there relate to any of this? if i could talk to this coworker again...i would thank him...thank him for being part of my last healthy years...thank him for the laughs...looking out for me.. etc. you just never know , i guess when you might be spending your time with someones last healthy years. as for my health-- I switched to a new PT last spring..and saw significant improvement---my neck still remains a trouble point for me.. and i struggle with htat a lot im seeing a chiro out of state.. who is helping i started taking glucosamine and that seems to have helped my IC I saw a new urologist 3 months ago and she did not feel i have IC...my bladder for the first time ever when palpated did not make me leap off the table...it did NOT even hurt! she felt it was V pain.. glands were visibly irritated... i asked for gabapentic cream and she Rx that for me to use during flares...it seems to help The rest of my world is still very stressful...the mold in my home was never remmediated...iwas conned out of thousands..by a guy who pretended to be a friend and so concerned about my health was nothig but a fraud. this causes me the most stress as I am now looking for a roomate. Its odd though.. the healthy segment of my life..i forgot all about it..until the other nite... im going to start to get back into my old mindset again.. but only more improved. Ive been through a lot since 2005...ive learned a lot ... im hoping in time that I will gain more acceptance of this passing of the coworker friend..and acceptance for all the loss surrounding my last well years.

Monday, February 4, 2013

Purple

You know those photos where you can highlight certain colors to accent a certain shade? The apt in the Dr office was like that photo. I noticed immediatley the purple stability ball used as a chair behind the Dr desk ( i have a purple ball at home) Then as he sat down I noticed he was wearing a purple tie with purple pinstriped shirt. and there across the desk was me.. wearing a purple sweater. and I thought for a moment what it must have looked like for the student seated beside us. Did they notice the color scheme as well? I didnt say anything.. but I thought to myself how ironic this all is. ... anyway... back to the appt itself I decided to go back to one of the Dr i have seen in the past to rule out/in and infection. As fate would have it they had a cancellation for today. There is usually a very long wait to get into see them.. so I was thankful. I drive down.. and think this isnt so bad... I drive through the city and remember all those times i would drive down those same streets in burning V pain. I remember the time my dad had to drive me because i was too sick to drive.. ouch there goes my neck.. have to massage it at the next light. Finally I arrived and found a spot to park and I made my way across the lot into the doors of the hospital and up via the elevator. I was mentally preparing for all I had to remember to ask the Dr. Upon arriving i was greated by the very nice staff ( not something one with the V is used to or atleast not me ) I was relaxed and I made myself as comfy as I could be as i waited. I read some breast exam pamphlets and other hormone stuff out on the tables.. wondering when I would hear my name when in the distance over the hum of the heating systme i heard my name. Undress from the waist down.. ( havent heard that in ages i thought) Wow the table of insturments no longer makes me nervous. I dont feel nervous. The dr comes in with a nurse and a student. asks my permission for them to be in the room.. wow. The Q- tip test- not bad.. wow.. im shocked.. have i really come this far... no.. wait that burns a bit.. but very slight. hmmm then the speculum... well that HURT.. pinching pain.. and a lot of spasm.. even when it wasnt openend all the way it was the larger speculum...im not used to the large ones and this friggin hurts... ugh.. I was in a flare already this sux. The Dr is quick and is saying that the pinching is probably coming from the outside. while on the table i silently disagreed as in the past the outside burn wouldnt have allowed the speculum.. this was deeper inside.. bladder??? muscles.. I dunno. Ok speculum out.. that didnt hurt coming out.. this is new to me.. wow. So, that also tells me it was deaper inside the pain ok, now for the digital exam.. ugh.. this hurts .. too fast movments with muscles in spasm... arghhhh. time to get dressed.. that was quick.. time for me to get dressed and go next door to talk. No infection... im doing much better than the last visit two years ago. In fact the Dr joked with the student about how he did not pay for me to come into the office that day bc earlier they were discussing how PT helps patients.. and there i was probably one of the PT success stories or atleast stories where the muscled refer burning. anyway... he was concered about me still having so much pain with the speculum and again defended his opinion it was coming from the outside.. i still disagree. he suggests cream... this time gabapentin, baclo, amnatriptalyne.. i remark how the last cream caused itching and burning he felt it was the base. I disagree. So, it was time to shell out the cash for the parking and drive home down the bumpy streets with muscles in spasm... but the V wasnt burning. i could live.. just wish the spasm wasnt so bad. as i type this i am in spasm with some V burn on the left. The spots that were tender were 4 and 8. which coincide with where my muscles have been tight. Overall i see this as progress .. i am still flaring and was made temporarly worse by the exam... but i will get out of the flare in time. So, i would say the purple day turned out not so bad after all.

Monday, January 14, 2013

PC flaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaare

No PC does no mean politically correct. Or personal computer.. or anything simplistic as that. PC is the pubacoxygeous muscle. I know i spelled it wrong.. maybe when Im not in so much pain I will correct it. Im worn im drained.. i have too much burning to be defeated. Im pretty sure i know what triggered this.. the thombrosed hemmroid. It sux no other words for it. there i was doing so well... walking ready to step it up a notch and get to the gym per the PT to use the treadmill. Simple I thought. BECAUSE I yes ME had forgotten all about this muscle. I had forgotten because for many blissful months it was not a factor and IF it was it was so beyond minor. An obtrator ocassionally towards the outside... but nothing like this. Honestly I have not been feeling OK for about a month now if not longer. I had to goto PT two weeks earlier... I may have to see the osteo this week after just having PT. I dont get how this is not calming down... and it feels like i just had PT yesterday as if the muscle just wont calm. It hurts to stand... which those who read this blog know standing was all i could do... well now it appears my body does not like that... feels like a lot of pressure and tugging. yes my time of the month is due in a few days... could be why i feel even worse. but i need to get things done... and this is making it so difficult.. The BuRN intense like sunburn.. in the left side of the V... from a person not at all used to this burn in years!!! for me after years of getting V injections and crotch creams.... it was discovered this PC causes me the burning. so i naturally freak when it gets like this. Once a few summers ago it was triggered and did not calm down for MONTHS. I try to not let my mind go there but it is so difficult. When i find myself going there i start some deep breathing... because when I cry it kills even more. ugh and grrr. I know if i made it there... my body knows the way back... and i know i have been way worse... sooo.. here is hoping that the flare ends when the period starts... and i can get back to baseline. and please PC can u stom engaging already... I promise im working on building some muscles so you dont have to work so hard. thanx. it is so odd because the SIJD has not been that flared up... at all. in the past the PC is flared from sitting too much, a fissure.. constipation.. carrying heavy items.. praying very hard and doing my best to relax.

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

the waiting room

i drove to the appointment both anxious and hopeful. i rode the elevator with a nice couple headed to the same floor as me...upon arriving i entered a waiting room full of people ...this is not something u want when u are dealing with what they eXpect is a thombrosed hemmroid.....so there we all sat...well i stood...and as time goes on u make small talk...at one point we were ready to order in a pizza....one by one we get called back. im next and im super anxious....i just want the pain to stop...for my mind to be at ease for my faith to be restored in the medical community....it is my turn...that time sure went fast. ahhh im back with the kind dr..i meet in his office first...then off to the exam.....not sure why i was so axcious..i mean my crotch has been looked at by many...ive had this exam before when treating the fissure.....im inverted and...it hurts the exam...but i breathe an relax and realize ive felt way worse....i mean common this girl has had vulva injections!....so he confirms a thombrosed hemmroid .rx cream and pain med...and im on my way. upon exiting i see a wonderful display of xmas lights and i stand aand relax and take it all in. so good news no fissure bad news this will take time. it has been a rough few weeks.

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

If only healthy people knew what this was like-- really knew what it was like

It is tough to juggle things outside my health realm right now..... and it doesnt take much to stress me out ... some people dont understand this.   I'm going thru a lot right now.... and just need a break... but cant take one ... because i have so much to figure out.

I cant let others bring me down- because i have a lot to figure out regarding my health.

Im in somewhat of an SIJD flareup.... there is a storm coming and im not sure if i should cancel PT.. since i will see the osteo next week.. or not.


im sick of these decisions...  sick of the added stresses.   its also a hormonal flare up.. i tend to do better during my period.  and now all is burning.  

i cant wait for my bath... mostly i just wish i would stop attracting drama... i need to focus on me and my health i cannot allow anything to get in the way of that.

i dont care if im alone anymore... i just need to figure some crap out.  

sure it would be great to go back in time , but i cant so i must try to focus on me now... and eventually hope things work themselves out...  in time.    I have gone a long time without PT.... the osteo flared me but then helped.....  


Tuesday, October 23, 2012

my fav time of the yr and im in a flare

yea so  this flare is partially my own doing....ive made progress with my neck..so i got overly ambitious..over the weekend..reaching above my head on shelvess..lifting..carrying boxes..and whamo..neck is mighty pissed.  when i say neck i mainly mean the upper trap muscle..it doesnt take much to stir up the pain..i am miserabke.  this entire right sided body twisted mess has got to improve.

im seeing a new dr just had one appt..but they feel my fascia is contributing to my si joint being tugged up..thus causing an upslip..did i mention extremely tight fascia...it seems it is always one step fwd one bacmk

i am hopeful this dr will be able to help... my bladder is also flaring..and i think my obtrator is tight on the rt..a side i cant reach myself..uggggh.

so while im feeling sorry for myself tonite
i amthankful for the progress that i have made...i just need to re
f
rame thisnexk pain becausethisreallysux...butalso shows how far i have come...i jusat haveto watchmy posturemore and not so stupis thingsapolovies for the typostypingon a tabletry  with neck pain