so i know why i am flaring... that is a plus.
another positive is my period did NOT try to kill me this month..i just wish it stuck around a little longer than 3 days... my PFD doesnt li
ke when it abruptly exit
Im upset tonite... depressed even... not because of this setback, but because it seems as if everyone in my life just decided to suck all at once today. I wouldnt care normally... but tonite I am very sensitive.
i feel very alone... and stuck... and in a setback where mentally i need to remain positive so I dont slip down that slipperly slope.
I hate relying on people hate it.... im writing here in the blog format so I dont sent out emails saying I am upset with those I am so that they will in turn lash at me more. I admit Im not in a good place, but Im better than these people.. judgemental people.
the one appointment i needed to keep tomorrow i canceled... because I overdid it... i have to think is my life really worth it...
i wonder what will happen if I just go into hibernation from these judgemental people..
really im down because of them.... ugh.. really... I need to pull myself up and soon..
another positive LAST week I got myself out of a flare.. yes ME.. completly out of a mega flare up... it was so beyond cool to have done that.. and PT was nothing... almost normal tone... im getting there.. little by little I am.
my T really helps me, wish I didnt have to cancel tomorrow... i kinda think I need him this week... i need something.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
the pain of overdoing it...ugh
OK, ok, so I freaking overdid it AGAIN.... only this time it feels so much worse.
I thought ok weather is nice so I will go out and walk...and i added two blocks to the walk... so then i did some stuff outside, and then did about 4 sets of leg lifts...
and then did an internal.. left side still burns today really bad...even have the burning pee back again... today was emotionally tough.... knowing I caused all of this tightness... and knowing that I have a very very loooong road ahead of me to gain back this muscle.
someone told me tonite that muscle takes time lots of time... they gave me some pointers that I hope to implement... they seem so positive and so driven...
I feel so alone lately... so friends have really let me down.. I was pretty sad tonite... the pain coupled with this just was too much and I just cried and still am crying. I know I am better than this, better then them and their snide remarks... one has gone distant again, and this is getting ridiculous on so many levels... way beyond acceptable and tolerable... and I know they will indeed let me down tomorrow...and that sux. and their is other oddness I want to discuss with them, but cant-- something is amiss and i hate that feeling. doing something that makes no sense at all no explanation doesnt sit well with me at all. feeling of being set up is not fun.
the other i will distance from... they are bringing up a lot of pain from my past that I thought I had dealt with....but do we ever really? I just dont know. All I know is that this person is the mirror image of another that is causing me pain currently. It is a lot to process....but I most likely will have to if I want to get to a healthy place. Thankfully I have a T session this week...as I want to run this by them to see their thoughts on my revelation.
I want more than anything to be understood... to have consistency in my life, to not have to rely on others... to not feel so beyond hurt.
but as I lay here typing with the V burning on the left, my right glutte throbbing..... and everything seems to be burning...i wonder what is the point.... im so fed up with my body.
I have the fissure back...i had four BM's in 8 hrs time yesterday...it was crazy...
I just want to be happy... to not have this pain, to gain the muscle back.. seems so simple but yet so far away.
there is not one aspect of my life I feel in control of, not one. I hope in the next few days to gain some clarity, much needed clarity. and of course I hope tomorrow is a better day, as i have a ton of errands to accomplish ... I hope this pain goes away.
I want to give up , but cant, wont... I will try again to do the exercises... and hope for the best. I also will hold out some hope that some more supportive people will come into my life. I think I do have two that sort of could fill that role. they both seem to get me.
ok, guess it is time for bed... tired of crying
I thought ok weather is nice so I will go out and walk...and i added two blocks to the walk... so then i did some stuff outside, and then did about 4 sets of leg lifts...
and then did an internal.. left side still burns today really bad...even have the burning pee back again... today was emotionally tough.... knowing I caused all of this tightness... and knowing that I have a very very loooong road ahead of me to gain back this muscle.
someone told me tonite that muscle takes time lots of time... they gave me some pointers that I hope to implement... they seem so positive and so driven...
I feel so alone lately... so friends have really let me down.. I was pretty sad tonite... the pain coupled with this just was too much and I just cried and still am crying. I know I am better than this, better then them and their snide remarks... one has gone distant again, and this is getting ridiculous on so many levels... way beyond acceptable and tolerable... and I know they will indeed let me down tomorrow...and that sux. and their is other oddness I want to discuss with them, but cant-- something is amiss and i hate that feeling. doing something that makes no sense at all no explanation doesnt sit well with me at all. feeling of being set up is not fun.
the other i will distance from... they are bringing up a lot of pain from my past that I thought I had dealt with....but do we ever really? I just dont know. All I know is that this person is the mirror image of another that is causing me pain currently. It is a lot to process....but I most likely will have to if I want to get to a healthy place. Thankfully I have a T session this week...as I want to run this by them to see their thoughts on my revelation.
I want more than anything to be understood... to have consistency in my life, to not have to rely on others... to not feel so beyond hurt.
but as I lay here typing with the V burning on the left, my right glutte throbbing..... and everything seems to be burning...i wonder what is the point.... im so fed up with my body.
I have the fissure back...i had four BM's in 8 hrs time yesterday...it was crazy...
I just want to be happy... to not have this pain, to gain the muscle back.. seems so simple but yet so far away.
there is not one aspect of my life I feel in control of, not one. I hope in the next few days to gain some clarity, much needed clarity. and of course I hope tomorrow is a better day, as i have a ton of errands to accomplish ... I hope this pain goes away.
I want to give up , but cant, wont... I will try again to do the exercises... and hope for the best. I also will hold out some hope that some more supportive people will come into my life. I think I do have two that sort of could fill that role. they both seem to get me.
ok, guess it is time for bed... tired of crying
Saturday, December 31, 2011
the final day of 2011
I guess it is normal to be a bit reflective as the year closes. However, as 9PM rolled in I found myself rather depressed an alone- I could just picuture everyone out and about at the parties... friends were posting on FB to parties I wasnt asked to attend- and well my imagination got the best of me.
but a funny thing happened- the closer it got to midnite the less down I felt- I spent the last few min of 2011 ringing in the new year with a friend who also has the three amigos as her friends... I got a surprise phone call...
and then the nite suddenly became much brighter... a neighbor on his trumpet, kids in the street and fireworks lighting up the sky.... I went outside , in the fresh air and soaked it all in... enjoying it all... not wanting any of it to end. I still find myself wanting to go back out there for one more finale.
so I made it thru one of the loneliness New Years ever...
I have a lot to do to work on me in 2012-
I must get back on track with a routine to work on these muscles
I have to sleep better and eat better
limit stress
live more for me
in away i feel some relief, but also so pressure as to what is instore for me in 2012
I never want to relive a year like 2011 ever again, it did not treat me well at all. I learned a ton, but at a great cost.
so- as i stand here typing this i feel my PFD is tight... but I have hope that this year I will improve like never before- I have hope and a chance
but a funny thing happened- the closer it got to midnite the less down I felt- I spent the last few min of 2011 ringing in the new year with a friend who also has the three amigos as her friends... I got a surprise phone call...
and then the nite suddenly became much brighter... a neighbor on his trumpet, kids in the street and fireworks lighting up the sky.... I went outside , in the fresh air and soaked it all in... enjoying it all... not wanting any of it to end. I still find myself wanting to go back out there for one more finale.
so I made it thru one of the loneliness New Years ever...
I have a lot to do to work on me in 2012-
I must get back on track with a routine to work on these muscles
I have to sleep better and eat better
limit stress
live more for me
in away i feel some relief, but also so pressure as to what is instore for me in 2012
I never want to relive a year like 2011 ever again, it did not treat me well at all. I learned a ton, but at a great cost.
so- as i stand here typing this i feel my PFD is tight... but I have hope that this year I will improve like never before- I have hope and a chance
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Period trying to kill me AGAIN
This all started Sunday nite when I was woke up with what I thought were cramps.... I say thought because I still am not really sure ... so I thought OK, my period will start....well it didnt and still hasnt started... it is just hanging on causing all kinds of havoc in my GI tract and my PFD... my pelvis across the top hurts...I dont quite understand why THIS month and why now...when my body seemed to be showing signs of improvement...it makes no sense.
as I lay here typing..I still do not have a flow... but yet can feel the uterus trying to contract.... this sux... i wonder if maybe the flow will not happen....is this the month I loose my period for good...will I be stuck like this are all things that go thru my mind.... FEAR is the worst thing right now.
Heart stuff- last nite while on the phone with my friend and after I had just eaten i was lying down on a heating pad... and felt this flutter in my throat and I had to cough.... sometimes this happens and it goes away but this time it did not.... thankfully i was on the phone with a friend of mine that also has a similar health problem.... and she had me take my pulse........it was 120 resting... and I could feel my heart beating very fast.... and kept having to cough.
i wore a heart monitor in the past... and it didnt pick up anything.... i really think this is all hormonal... because like i said this period not starting is causing me a lot of pressure.... type of feeling....ugh.... so frustrating...
and why at a time when I was doing better........... im so worn from this.
guess a gyn appointment is in order. because there is something seriously going on.
praying really hard the period flow starts today and it will be an end to this misery. I am still going to try and get in my walk and some excercises... i cant let this get in the way of doing that.
as I lay here typing..I still do not have a flow... but yet can feel the uterus trying to contract.... this sux... i wonder if maybe the flow will not happen....is this the month I loose my period for good...will I be stuck like this are all things that go thru my mind.... FEAR is the worst thing right now.
Heart stuff- last nite while on the phone with my friend and after I had just eaten i was lying down on a heating pad... and felt this flutter in my throat and I had to cough.... sometimes this happens and it goes away but this time it did not.... thankfully i was on the phone with a friend of mine that also has a similar health problem.... and she had me take my pulse........it was 120 resting... and I could feel my heart beating very fast.... and kept having to cough.
i wore a heart monitor in the past... and it didnt pick up anything.... i really think this is all hormonal... because like i said this period not starting is causing me a lot of pressure.... type of feeling....ugh.... so frustrating...
and why at a time when I was doing better........... im so worn from this.
guess a gyn appointment is in order. because there is something seriously going on.
praying really hard the period flow starts today and it will be an end to this misery. I am still going to try and get in my walk and some excercises... i cant let this get in the way of doing that.
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Finally
I am hesitant to post this as each time i report something positive it seems...it gets whipped away.. However, this time even if it does I know i have reached this point in my journey.
first of all my PFD is holding its own again. I am so releaved to be able to do an internal on the rt side and have a lot more room in there.. like normal even. WOW. and the trigger points are more localized.
obtrator closer to the outside (PC muscle ) on the left... and sometimes similar on the rt side too.
I now know when my leg needs a pull to correct the SI upslip (frustrating that this happens more than I would like)
but my PT said now is the time if there will be any chance to get past the stage i am in now I MUST get disciplined...and encorporate strenghtening MUST. do it. So I have started. sloowly.
yesterday I did leg lifts over the ball and some leg lifts while on all fours. today I did the usual lap around the neighborhood... weather is getting cold but I seemed to hold up OK. some SI pain and a little feeling like I have to have the leg pulled...but I did it. I did it while having one of the worst nites in a long time, as my period tried to kill me... which felt like an attack on my GI tract. but i DID it.
it feels good to be mobile..as i remember the days when I wasnt.
I also have my appetite back, which I am beyond thankful for...
I started taking a supplement Samento and ultra flora probiotics... which i think are really helping me to feel better.. odd as that is. whatever i am doing seems to be working...
I have some emotional baggage hanging around though.. that sort of keeps coming to the forefront that I must just put to the back of my mind and propel forward.
my new saying is ' i just keep walking' and that I do ... i havent walked this much in YEARS... and it sure feels good! Physically I am walking and emotionally i will be walking as well. I must if I want to regain my life. or some part of my life.
I have hope... and I will not stop believing I will again get on that eliptical.. and have a more stable SI joint...
my new goal is to get back to the gym and I will do that in 2012 no matter what I will get back there. and once back i will keep walking while there too... and i will never stop going again ever.
in 2007- i was in a very good place while going to the gym...however my PFD was like a vice...now pfd is better and external just is not strong enough...sooo like the PT said this is my best shot... and im going to make it happen.
first of all my PFD is holding its own again. I am so releaved to be able to do an internal on the rt side and have a lot more room in there.. like normal even. WOW. and the trigger points are more localized.
obtrator closer to the outside (PC muscle ) on the left... and sometimes similar on the rt side too.
I now know when my leg needs a pull to correct the SI upslip (frustrating that this happens more than I would like)
but my PT said now is the time if there will be any chance to get past the stage i am in now I MUST get disciplined...and encorporate strenghtening MUST. do it. So I have started. sloowly.
yesterday I did leg lifts over the ball and some leg lifts while on all fours. today I did the usual lap around the neighborhood... weather is getting cold but I seemed to hold up OK. some SI pain and a little feeling like I have to have the leg pulled...but I did it. I did it while having one of the worst nites in a long time, as my period tried to kill me... which felt like an attack on my GI tract. but i DID it.
it feels good to be mobile..as i remember the days when I wasnt.
I also have my appetite back, which I am beyond thankful for...
I started taking a supplement Samento and ultra flora probiotics... which i think are really helping me to feel better.. odd as that is. whatever i am doing seems to be working...
I have some emotional baggage hanging around though.. that sort of keeps coming to the forefront that I must just put to the back of my mind and propel forward.
my new saying is ' i just keep walking' and that I do ... i havent walked this much in YEARS... and it sure feels good! Physically I am walking and emotionally i will be walking as well. I must if I want to regain my life. or some part of my life.
I have hope... and I will not stop believing I will again get on that eliptical.. and have a more stable SI joint...
my new goal is to get back to the gym and I will do that in 2012 no matter what I will get back there. and once back i will keep walking while there too... and i will never stop going again ever.
in 2007- i was in a very good place while going to the gym...however my PFD was like a vice...now pfd is better and external just is not strong enough...sooo like the PT said this is my best shot... and im going to make it happen.
Sunday, November 13, 2011
bladder flaaaaaair
ugh, and grr and ouchie this sucks....
it started I think now with maybe eating spinach(which generally never bothers me)
and then my GI tract didnt like me eating black eyed peas...not sure why that is, and I cant tolerate peas either and last week pinto beans hurt me...ugh.
so last nite I decide to try the grapefruit see extract that came in the mail that the bad bacteria in my gut is sensitive too... I googled it before taking it and most with IC said they were OK with it...well like everything with MY bladder it flared me.
so last nite sucked and then today really sucked....
then I think I added another offender Quionia ..to the equation (which in the past i have tolerated)
I think because the bladder was inflamed already and I added the GSE... now everything is hurting it.
so I have been taking baking soda in water and just waiting this out...but man does this HURT and since I havent had t his in quite sometime, because I stick to the diet...ouch.
im also frustrated that I cant ingest good things....like the GSE... but can eat poisons from fast food places etc... makes little sense.
also when I was first dx... it seems I tolerated more foods...maybe because I didnt notice the flare as much since I was always in one, I dunno. Also now I never get frequency as a symptom of a food flare....it is odd how that happened...now it is pain and early AM retention...
yea, so it sucks.
weight loss is bad again too...tough to eat while in pain.
have a Dr appt on Monday that I hope I can sit to drive if not will cancel to the following week.... it is to go over the thyroid results.
so far I like this Dr...but I am not getting my hopes up...I like that he ran the labs...he is willing to try and figure otu what is wrong with me... he said it will take time and it is a process...he gave me a very thorough exam.
it is just difficult to treat someone like me with a bladder like this that reacts to supplements that are supposed to help. looking at my labs I think i have more of an iron problem than thyroid.....
gosh this bladder is so angry at me...I didnt mean to piss it off so badly..........and if I was going to plan it heck i would have ate something yummy like thai or chinese...sheesh...i dont even flare this bad with alcohol...the very little that i have had.
this is where everyone with these diseases really needs to give yourself credit for hanging tough during nights like this. waiting for the 2nd round of meds to kick in...and hoping tomorrow is a better day.
it started I think now with maybe eating spinach(which generally never bothers me)
and then my GI tract didnt like me eating black eyed peas...not sure why that is, and I cant tolerate peas either and last week pinto beans hurt me...ugh.
so last nite I decide to try the grapefruit see extract that came in the mail that the bad bacteria in my gut is sensitive too... I googled it before taking it and most with IC said they were OK with it...well like everything with MY bladder it flared me.
so last nite sucked and then today really sucked....
then I think I added another offender Quionia ..to the equation (which in the past i have tolerated)
I think because the bladder was inflamed already and I added the GSE... now everything is hurting it.
so I have been taking baking soda in water and just waiting this out...but man does this HURT and since I havent had t his in quite sometime, because I stick to the diet...ouch.
im also frustrated that I cant ingest good things....like the GSE... but can eat poisons from fast food places etc... makes little sense.
also when I was first dx... it seems I tolerated more foods...maybe because I didnt notice the flare as much since I was always in one, I dunno. Also now I never get frequency as a symptom of a food flare....it is odd how that happened...now it is pain and early AM retention...
yea, so it sucks.
weight loss is bad again too...tough to eat while in pain.
have a Dr appt on Monday that I hope I can sit to drive if not will cancel to the following week.... it is to go over the thyroid results.
so far I like this Dr...but I am not getting my hopes up...I like that he ran the labs...he is willing to try and figure otu what is wrong with me... he said it will take time and it is a process...he gave me a very thorough exam.
it is just difficult to treat someone like me with a bladder like this that reacts to supplements that are supposed to help. looking at my labs I think i have more of an iron problem than thyroid.....
gosh this bladder is so angry at me...I didnt mean to piss it off so badly..........and if I was going to plan it heck i would have ate something yummy like thai or chinese...sheesh...i dont even flare this bad with alcohol...the very little that i have had.
this is where everyone with these diseases really needs to give yourself credit for hanging tough during nights like this. waiting for the 2nd round of meds to kick in...and hoping tomorrow is a better day.
Sunday, October 30, 2011
this nite is tough
the constipation acted up last week and as a result aggrivated the fissure again.... it wasnt even constipation really...was just too large to pass...... so that upset the IC muscle on both sides and the left PC muscle that even after PT would not calm down... so it was a mess....and today I had more BM nightmares.... and my PFD is a wreck.... the fissure is reinjured and I have even lost my appetite. Loosing my appetite is not good because I am so thin to begin with..............I just wish this could correct itself already.
I have a second opinion with another colon dr this week and hoping he will prescribe the new treatment for fissures that most of the Dr are prescribing that actually helps to heal them. Im very worn tonite.........I feel like the Doctors are missing something....I have been dealing with this fissure on and off since last November.
I fear it has something to do with the mold here but I dunno.......I just dunno anymore.
I have a marathon week of Dr appts.......even one tomorrow on Halloween which is usually off limits...and now I wish that it was because I have no clue with the pain I am in how I will sit that long to get there.
I need a miracle to happen for this to be cured and for me to start gaining some weight. I am also loosing ground on walking etc because of this pain.......guess i will eventually push thru it...ugh. somehow push thru it ...... keeping fingers crossed by Friday I might have some answers. it is just every time I think I am making ground I get pushed back down again. It rained and snowed here yesterday....who knows if that is a factor with the mold... I sure cant figure this one out.
I have a second opinion with another colon dr this week and hoping he will prescribe the new treatment for fissures that most of the Dr are prescribing that actually helps to heal them. Im very worn tonite.........I feel like the Doctors are missing something....I have been dealing with this fissure on and off since last November.
I fear it has something to do with the mold here but I dunno.......I just dunno anymore.
I have a marathon week of Dr appts.......even one tomorrow on Halloween which is usually off limits...and now I wish that it was because I have no clue with the pain I am in how I will sit that long to get there.
I need a miracle to happen for this to be cured and for me to start gaining some weight. I am also loosing ground on walking etc because of this pain.......guess i will eventually push thru it...ugh. somehow push thru it ...... keeping fingers crossed by Friday I might have some answers. it is just every time I think I am making ground I get pushed back down again. It rained and snowed here yesterday....who knows if that is a factor with the mold... I sure cant figure this one out.
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