Wednesday, September 28, 2011

the Dr marathon has began

Im going to just write about todays appointment........ Im so was 2hrs with a cardiologist...most of which was testing.   Im laying here now with a heart monitor on..which is itching the shit out of me.   Im not supposed to sleep on my side, but with my PFD issues... that is how I sleep.   Not sure if this will even show anything at all.

the Cardio didnt seem to know what to make of my symptoms.   and I got a bit annoyed when he asked ' how are your nerves'   I had to think for a moment...what was he talking about here... because when someone says nerves to me... I think real nerves.   So I asked for clarification...and then he said how is your stress, anxiety... ever been to a psychiatrist.... I thought WTF....   the Dr last week asked similar... I have to wonder if these are standard questions now... I am so far removed from Dr... that this kinda stung a bit.   I wish it was just 'nerves"  asses all of them..   

I have a lot of new scary I lay here...something is wrong with my throat... I did have some chicken broth... but it is like menthol is in my throat...a very odd sensation that sort of pulses..   I have many new symptoms..  
eye floater is worse
cant seem to sleep
startle reflex has increased
cognitive dysfunction is very bad
driving makes things worse...
somewhat off balance and dizzy...
cant get out of bed in the morning.

Im living in mold too and I know that isnt helping anything as I lay here I can smell it, but cant find another place to live and that is stress alone... but so not causing these odd symptoms.
I think they maybe hormonal too... I am more sensitive, my period is sort of starting with the normal brown spotting.   I dont know what to make of any of t his but it mostly started while on the cipro or after...with that constipation.

I just feel so wtf is going on already with that too... sensitive to so many things right now...and so tired of being sick and alone.   guess I need to build up my support network again. I lost someone I thought was going to be there...they sort of are coming back...but it is causing more stress for me to have them in the picture...Im not sure what to do about it really- damned if I do damned if I dont.... but I think something will have to give.  I will sleep on it for now.

I am still living
my GI system seems to be recovering, very very slowly but recovering...and I am beyond thankful for that...   having a BM daily is a gift from God.   just wish I could gain some weight. 

will be thankful when this monitor is off of me for good. tomorrow morning...

I feel like I just need a good cry. 

Thursday, September 8, 2011 officially worried

Im worn out..I have used up all of my reserves...every last bit of them.

I am still suffering with the fissure....   had PT and the obtrator on both sides was very very tight...something I am not at all used to...not even close.  It took me back to the beginning days of PT...those painful , painful days...  then the PC was still tight...  it sucks, I cried, and it still sucks....

I have to go easy on myself , yet I want to know why I am like this, how to get back to my baseline.....  I just dont know what to make of any of it.

is it the mold here making me sick now....since these symptoms started when that did.  or was it the antibiotic that stirred stuff up.
all I know is that it hurts...really hurts.
I guess with something like a fissure you cant expect the PFD to just go along with it.   It is just that the last time i had the fissure the IC muscle was always tight.....and now that it just has me worried.
I really have been sick for a month now.......... and this really sucks.... 

positives-   I can now eat again....not so much before...and I feel hungry and full.
goal- to rest... have the pc relax thus having the V have less burn
overall goal...heal that fissure.

Sunday, September 4, 2011

my period is trying to kill me

i lay here completly defeated....I have not had a period like this in MONTHS....   last nite I thought for sure I would pass out from the pain.... it was the uterus I think... stiring up the oberator...and wow did it hurt....that on top of the bowel.....  I am so worn out..... I guess this is what labor feels like.

Im not even sure why my body is allowing for a period since my weight is so low..... I also think some sort of infection is at play here.... because my vulva really feels burny...... it sucks... and there is just nothing I can do about it.   the fissure does not seem to want to heal...... I just dont know what direction I should really go in with this or what Dr I should see.
there is more mold here in this house...could that be it....I dunno.    All I know is that my period has not tried to kill me in quite why now.... I literally am back to peg one with all of this.

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Satruday nite setback

As I lay here at 2AM on a Saturday nite I have to wonder will this setback ever end.?   This reaches beyond the pelvis and seems to be more systemic.  

This is technically day one of the period...which is usually not all that bad... but for some reason the last two months have brought with it more burning.  Although last month I was getting thru that UTi....or the UTI that wasnt..

I have the usual day one pains- more intense though and even had some jabs early on tonite while I lay on the heating pad.  
Ive been having odd reactions to foods too like the cereal- yesterday after I ate it I fell asleep and had yet another bought of sleep paralysis...then this morning woke up feling drugged.   and more sleep paralysis last nite.   Im not sure what to make of any o this... because this is also what happened the last time I ate this same cereal and the reason that I stopped.
this morning I ate it and didnt seem to have that reaction.  I dont know what to make of it.
the fissure continues to be horrid...and BM's are so messed up.

the vulva burning is back...yes you read that correctly it is back.   It sux...and I am having a difficult time dealing with it...I am mentally drained from it.
good news I guess is that the PC muscle was tight on the right side during the last session....which is my patter for the V pain.... I also was having more redness.
but as you can imagine I am not at all happy about this.   Something in July triggered this...and now it flares up now and then after being quite for MONTHS.

weight loss is bad too again....  like i said my entiere body is very pissed off right now and I just wish it would calm down already.   Im doing the best I can do to cope... while making sure I eat atleast three meals a day no matter what.   Im praying that I will get back to baseline...and my body remembers what it is like to have the PC not flare...the fissure to be  healed etc.

how on earth does one go from a PF tone of a zero to such a is just so not fair.

some often view setbacks like this as a time to revist something...maybe to find another piece to this maybe that is my time now........... I just want this burning to go away and for things to be back to baseline...gaining weight would be a good place to start...four lbs would be wonderful