Sunday, October 30, 2011

this nite is tough

the constipation acted up last week and as a result aggrivated the fissure again.... it wasnt even constipation really...was just too large to pass...... so that upset the IC muscle on both sides and the left PC muscle that even after PT would not calm down...  so it was a mess....and today I had more BM nightmares.... and my PFD is a wreck.... the fissure is reinjured and I have even lost my appetite.   Loosing my appetite is not good because I am so thin to begin with..............I just wish this could correct itself already.

I have a second opinion with another colon dr this week and hoping he will prescribe the new treatment for fissures that most of the Dr are prescribing that actually helps to heal them.    Im very worn tonite.........I feel like the Doctors are missing something....I have been dealing with this fissure on and off since last November.

I fear it has something to do with the mold here but I dunno.......I just dunno anymore.
I have a marathon week of Dr appts.......even one tomorrow on Halloween which is usually off limits...and now I wish that it was because I have no clue with the pain I am in how I will sit that long to get there. 

I need a miracle to happen for this to be cured and for me to start gaining some weight.   I am also loosing ground on walking etc because of this pain.......guess i will eventually push thru it...ugh.   somehow push thru it ...... keeping fingers crossed by Friday I might have some answers.    it is just every time I think I am making ground I get pushed back down again.   It rained and snowed here yesterday....who knows if that is a factor with the mold... I sure cant figure this one out.

Friday, October 21, 2011


yes mixed... all mixed up, mixed feelings...that is what i feel mixed.

PT appt was rather interesting.... despite my increased activity ...walking more, visiting an orchard...etc... my PFD held its own for a month now.... right side was normal and the left had the obtrator right near the opening at a tone of a two.   when she released that it caused V burning ....ugh.

the is suspected the sacrum was off.... and when I told her where my pain was she also found a very very sore ligament...that really really hurt like a biatch..when she released it but boy did that feel good later...amazing what that release work does.  the rt side needed a correction and leg pull too despite me correcting so much during the week...suspect it was due to the sacrum being off.

now here is the most interesting part...I have been having problems with my neck for a few weeks... but kept forgetting to bring it up to my PT....  she seemed to know what it was just by me describing the symptoms.... and went right too the area...turns out it was my rib causing some of the pain....odd , right... for the first time in years I had full range of motion with my neck... amazing.  today though feels a bit sore... but overall dizziness is gone... amazing...     so frustrating that PT is the only one to figure anything out about me...Docs just dont know what to make of me and my symptoms...but she figures it out.

I am feeling so overwhelmed with life though lately..... just wish I could deal with my health and that would be it the good old days...but I just cant.... 

I also have a low tolerance for people who seem to only be about themselves....I just cant deal with them at all anymore.... so far I have distanced myself from one person that used to be part of my support they no longer are and that is my choice...for once. it does hurt as I got a msg tonite...that really ticked me off about them....  I was accomodating them....and shouldnt have been...lesson learned...heck we barely talk anymore anyway... and I feel myself avoiding them...dont feel like fitting into their life.... heck i dont even fit into my own life.  their email made me a bit more depressed.

  I am starting to be thankful for those I do have...and not wishing that I had those other types in my life... I guess it will all work out with those that should be in my life staying.  the above person is oblivious to ME and my life......and that is sad very sad.  

I am rather worried though about ths burning with urination....why I have it it possibly yeast.... I just dont know....but what I do know is I dont like it.   the fissure is also acting up...seems it just wont heal...  and that is rather scary too....  im just so damn overwhelmed.

so , yes mixed... hopefully that more activity gave me less PF symptoms but -  worried about the burning etc.

Friday, October 14, 2011

slight improvement i will take it

PT session was better this week...although I lay here recovering as I usually do the day after PT.  Overall for three weeks now the PFD is holding its own...this is with adding walking two blocks and strenghtening....  the leg pulls are what is the key keeping everything aligned especially after any walking.... it is tough living alone and needing a pull... I am thankful for my mom when she can stop by and give the leg a good pull and get me out of the pain.  It is a miracle really.

back to the PFD..the rt side needed a leg pull...internal..the PC at 8 and the IC were at a one tone wise...although her release really hurt- she explained it was because overall the PF was good and I now felt that more because those were the only tight spots.  Lft side was the obtrator and that was at a two. 
she showed me this one exercise and WOW i  can now see what she is talking about my rt side is so beyond strenght at all and probably why I keep going off on the rt side... I need to work on this, like really work on it. 

I am actually bummed tonite, because it would have been a walking nite, but I am too sore still... frustrated a bit , but I need to recover and not push things.
I have other health issues too though, head pressure, sinus like symptms , dizziness and some stomach issues... somene said it is a bug...but I think it is the mold issues here I am dealing with. 
I just pray this PFD stays like this so I can rebuild this rt side....  I need more muscle.

as my PT said even cancer patients can get strong again, so I am determined to do just that. 

I did once again loose someone in my support network.... I think this will be the final time resolution can be made with us...and while it hurts  a lot ... I will put all that hurt into physically making myself better.   it just sux as they were in my life for awhile now.... truth be told though, they did some hurtful things.... sux when things must come to an end.

hopefully, though the PFD will continue to hold out...i Really need a break from it...and I want to remain positive that I wll improve now that I have added in exercises.   God please make this happen.

Saturday, October 1, 2011

dont over think

I'm trying to remember these words my PT told me at the last session. She is so beyond right....and this reaches even outside the PT rhealm of things.

Ive been so used to trying to figure otu my own health that I am constantly over thinking things.
she told me that is what she is there if an excercise she suggests doesnt work for me I will tell her and she will figure out why and where to go from there.   So, that is what I have been doing with the physical part... Im just going with it.

I am happy to report that my PC muscle on the right is back to fact the whole right internal was close to normal..the left was tighter but not by conclusion the fissure was driving those muscles to stay tight.   I never thought I would reach this point and here I am.  so it is time to add in the strenghtening to it.... and try to regain some muscles.

My period this month has been heavy and Im still dealing with those other symptoms that no Dr can figure out.
and on top of that two friends who were part of y support network...are just causing me too much angst.

I t hink I just need to retreat inward for awhile...  and just be by myself...   it is just hurtful to be going thru all of this and then hav more hurt on top of it.  Im sure I am just more sensitive now...but still.   neither of them have any issues with me...or atleast they never bring it up to is always me having issues with them.  

I just wish I could get my life back...... so I wouldnt need this type of support...  maybe it is time now to be my own support system once again.   sucks though    ...I just feel so alone.