Wednesday, March 23, 2011


Definition of VULNERABLE

: capable of being hurt : susceptible to injury or disease vulnerable to nutritional impairment—Journal of the American Medical Association>
vul·ner·a·bil·i·ty \ˌvəln-(ə-)rə-ˈbil-ət-ē\ noun, plural vul·ner·a·bil·i·ties
doesnt seem so bad when you read it in black and white- however  it seems being inflicted with the 3 Amigos has left me open to being vulnerable.

It seems I am way to giving of a person even with all I am dealing with daily- I still give myself way too much- and because of that I find myself in a rather unpleasant situation.
A situation I should have known better to avoid-  or at the most stay detached.   I put myself on the backburnner for this person...being available to them...and in a brief moment of 'need for support-  well on top of a person not being there for me- I was basically lied to on top of it all.  ( I cant go into many details as I dont know how reads this blog) tonite reality struck loud and clear- 
BUT it was a wake up call for me- and now I have to figure out how to properly deal with this.
I have a few thoughts right now like Ignore this person until I feel up to talking without feeling hurt
discuss my feelings(probably would not be received all that well)  especially my thoughts on them lying and being a tad self absorbed.   
unfortunately I have to have dealings with this person on a business type of level.
the phrase never mix business with pleasure has a whole new meaning.

but I cant go along pretending or pushing my feelings aside...  this friendship just doesnt make me feel good anymore.   If it did obviously I wouldnt be writing this and giving it - its own blog entry. 
I'm always available or made to feel like I have to be ( or I get texts, multiple phone calls, IM's etc)  ugh

There are those that prey on vulenerable people- and I hope I am wrong about this person- but that feeling tonite is very strong :(  

bottom line- im struggling to get back to baseline and I have no time for this stress and hurt feelings to enter my world.    
This has knocked me off balance and I dont like it one bit :/

dilator- epic fail acupuncture- mini fail

ugh, and sigh....grrrr.   so beyond sick of this mess I seem to be in.  tried the dilator after about a year hiatus- was stunned that it didnt hurt my vulvodynia (progress I thought)

but I think I went overboard with it- and have been in a horrid flare.... feels like my entire pelvis is tight.... restricted even... I have PT in the AM and cant wait to see her.

Acupuncture- the needles kill me- like really hurt - she worked on my back at the last visit.... and all the spots my PT works on she found immediately said they are all tied to my bladder.  I was in agony.   I dont know what to make of all of it.

as for my other symptoms- Im kinda scared- weight loss again and I think the lyme is flaring. or something is.

my period is iratic and im at my whits end with that - and what to do....ugh

Thursday, March 3, 2011

The agony of defeat

I stand here typing with my stomach in severe spasm...  my GI tract is a wreck - and out of nowhere the last two days I have been in severe constipation....   well constipation in the fact my GI tract stopped moving.   It just would not come out.

I didnt know the severity of this until I went to PT today and she could not even press on my muscles internally.... the stool was protruding into the vaginal vault :(   so it was a half azzed session.
I immediately left there and got on the phone with my GI dr how said to take M of Magnesia-  so I did a shot of that in the drug store parking lot and barely made it home.   The next hour was spent in pure agony... but finally I got relief

only to be left with more PAIN....OMG it feels like I gave birth to my bladder or something it is crazy... I seriously do not know how women give birth.  Of course I have a crappy Pelvic floor so that most likely is why this is so painful.

Before I left PT - she said I would need to do my own internal...and to try and get into see her (not happening she is booked solid until a week from today)   I dont even feel like having anything in that area touched at all.... it is terrible.

I feel toxic and sick and have no clue what triggered any of this-   and didnt realize I was that backed up....

so back to peg one- the story of my pelvic pain career......any progress is met by a new symptom taking over.

- on a more positive note the friend who I sorta distanced myself from has been there for me the last few days/nites.... as has a few other friends and my mom.

I have people in my corner pulling for me-  I just wish somewhere out there was my answer.    I am determined to figure this out....I have to. 

Ok- time for me to drink some peppermint tea and try to sooth my tummy and take my meds to hopefully try and sleep ( I can only hope)