I dont think I have any tears left after crying for half an hour tonite until I got tired of the tears.
I knew I was in trouble when the vulva was red again...I knew I was in trouble when I had the burn back...I knew it... and knew what probably was the cause. the damn PC....
but even though I attempted two nites in a row to do the self PT... it still was beyond tight at todays session. Man did that sucker hurt on the right side at 8 o'clock. damn it PC. and then I go right to the why...what did I do to trigger that.
and I do that because for MONTHS the PC was OK.... and I have been more active...cleaning..dragging things I shouldnt have been
i could barely lay down tonite...can barely even sit or semi sit on the couch, standing hurts.... heck everything hurts..it hurts to even breathe. She also had to put my sacrum back in yet again, so that always makes things even more miserable as the muscles hate to go back into place
so here I am just like after 4th of July....
PT does not want me to loose hope.... and she is very supportive...and she is right... this is probably just minor and I will go back to baseline.... I am doing more now...I am doing all that I can. to manage this horrid condition.
sometimes it isnt so horrid.....
the progress I have made is profound- but I panic (that is what it is panic...fear) I fear i will spiral down...I fear the vulva will stay red.... I cant let Fear win.... this has to just calm down...plus I am determined to find out where exactly that PC is...and how to release the darn thing....
she said by this weekend I can sit again, but to not put too much pressure on that area until what she did calms down. the burn is pretty bad.... i guess even though it was released it still is very very angry at me...
really I wish the PC and me could live in harmony... I dont mean the PC any harm... I dont know what makes it so angry.
on a positive note the left side was near normal... the right not so bad really.... overall picture, not so bad... but yet I am so beyond miserable.
I had hope, I now have panic. My PT has brought me back from some pretty bad flare ups...horrific ones like the one time that I had injections and they flared up the PC so badly that for MOnths ( i swear it was atleast three straight months) of PC burning.... and tightness that would not let up... yea , so I guess in comparison this isnt so bad....it just burns.
and i have stuff to do... stuff that I now had to cancel ....it sucks... but I guess that is life with this mess.
it makes me appreciate my good days all the more though....laying here like I am now used to be my daily norm. actually it was worse than this...flares that only capsaisin could control....
my one wish is that this burn goes away.
.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Saturday, July 23, 2011
progress and some new hope
Last Monday nite- as my period was ending I decided that I needed to somehow get rid of the iritating, burning and muscle tightness that I almost always get at the end of the period.
So, I used the valium- and waited until i was relaxed and decided to just go and do an internal. I didnt over think it, just basically found the spot that hurt and as the saying goes 'hung out there for awhile' and for the first time I felt it release... I actually felt the darn muscle release. then to check my work.... I did a 2nd internal and sure enough it released.
I took the rest of my nite meds and went to sleep. it was the most restful sleep I have had in quite sometime. AND the next day I woke up and felt so close to normal..that irritating pain was gone....I as able to run errands and do much more than i usually can....
I as in shock really, but enjoyed every moment of it............as it all came crashing down not soon after i came home.
mostly the external stuff...tight core muslces..... I did a 2nd internal of the week that nite, but it didnt work out as well as the first.......and the external muscle pain just built up.
oddly at the PT appt it was revealed the rt side was forward...even though i did a correction that nite..... my left needed correcting once the right was done. AND internally.... it was basically normal on the rt and at a 2 on the left.
so I think that by doing the internal I am doing something for sure as this happened in the past as well.
oh and I also was able to do some light strenghtening too....
since my session I have basically just been resting- and enjoying my muscles not being tight....or feeling off. It sure feels good to be put back together again. Tonite though it was time to stretch again and do some light strenghtening ...i need to try and do this as much as possible if I ever want to improve. .
I am very hopeful that I am no managing this the best that I can right now. I have to just stick with t his...in hopes to build the muscles and get back to where i was a few years ago with this external stuff. I think I can do it, but it is going to take a lot of time and patience and balance...lots of balance.
but I am hopeful for the first time in a long time.
that being said I am going thru ovulation and everything is known to flair with me during this time...it sux... but again Im not going to let it get in the way.
I guess this will be day one of progress
1- set of exercises
So, I used the valium- and waited until i was relaxed and decided to just go and do an internal. I didnt over think it, just basically found the spot that hurt and as the saying goes 'hung out there for awhile' and for the first time I felt it release... I actually felt the darn muscle release. then to check my work.... I did a 2nd internal and sure enough it released.
I took the rest of my nite meds and went to sleep. it was the most restful sleep I have had in quite sometime. AND the next day I woke up and felt so close to normal..that irritating pain was gone....I as able to run errands and do much more than i usually can....
I as in shock really, but enjoyed every moment of it............as it all came crashing down not soon after i came home.
mostly the external stuff...tight core muslces..... I did a 2nd internal of the week that nite, but it didnt work out as well as the first.......and the external muscle pain just built up.
oddly at the PT appt it was revealed the rt side was forward...even though i did a correction that nite..... my left needed correcting once the right was done. AND internally.... it was basically normal on the rt and at a 2 on the left.
so I think that by doing the internal I am doing something for sure as this happened in the past as well.
oh and I also was able to do some light strenghtening too....
since my session I have basically just been resting- and enjoying my muscles not being tight....or feeling off. It sure feels good to be put back together again. Tonite though it was time to stretch again and do some light strenghtening ...i need to try and do this as much as possible if I ever want to improve. .
I am very hopeful that I am no managing this the best that I can right now. I have to just stick with t his...in hopes to build the muscles and get back to where i was a few years ago with this external stuff. I think I can do it, but it is going to take a lot of time and patience and balance...lots of balance.
but I am hopeful for the first time in a long time.
that being said I am going thru ovulation and everything is known to flair with me during this time...it sux... but again Im not going to let it get in the way.
I guess this will be day one of progress
1- set of exercises
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
S is for Setback
In all fairness to my body - I have done way more than I physically should have the last two weeks....
that being said the analytical me- really wants to know how I can go from a tone of a zero to now a tone of a
2/3-with the dreaded PC tight....arggggh
I think I am slooowly coming to the relazation that on some level my brain has to stop trying to analyze this.... things arent black and white... not even grey.... often there are no answers.
What I lost today was hope- on some level I saw the sign of a zero as my body finally being able to cope with increased activities.........what I missed was the fact that the tone of zero probably shouldnt have been.
If you think about it - those that are familiar with SIJD- the joint needs muscles to stabalize it.......... I was doing no strenghtening at all...... the zero never should have been.
that being said it did happen, so on some level I really do think my muscles are improving.
I sat there with tears in my eyes though at the pt session.... the PT is very supportive told me to remember how far I have really come... look back.... because this new baseline.... is much different than how I was in the past. So very true. and I will hold onto that.
the reality blow though was when they said that this is something that will need to be managed...not something that will go away.
I have been viewing it as such- I just wish I was better and knowing what was wrong and how to correct it myself before the downward cascade starts. I have to wonder will I ever be able to do self PT correctly....
Im back to watching how I sit, and after basically just living more free... this is so rough. it is almost like I am afraid to move... even right now as I type this I wonder am I somehow affecting the muscles Iand the joint.
I also am noticing that this is more SI joint that is what sets everything else off. frustrating beyond words...but also somewhat of a breakthru that I am able to pinpoint what is causing me pain.
my goals still remain.... walking a block
strenghtening
adding stretching.
as I drove home today it seemed like everything was in slow motion- Im not sure why it was like that, maybe a chance for me to stop and take in the small things in life... I just wish the three amigos didnt control my life so much... if only i could just stay aligned.... I think I would be so much better.
that being said the analytical me- really wants to know how I can go from a tone of a zero to now a tone of a
2/3-with the dreaded PC tight....arggggh
I think I am slooowly coming to the relazation that on some level my brain has to stop trying to analyze this.... things arent black and white... not even grey.... often there are no answers.
What I lost today was hope- on some level I saw the sign of a zero as my body finally being able to cope with increased activities.........what I missed was the fact that the tone of zero probably shouldnt have been.
If you think about it - those that are familiar with SIJD- the joint needs muscles to stabalize it.......... I was doing no strenghtening at all...... the zero never should have been.
that being said it did happen, so on some level I really do think my muscles are improving.
I sat there with tears in my eyes though at the pt session.... the PT is very supportive told me to remember how far I have really come... look back.... because this new baseline.... is much different than how I was in the past. So very true. and I will hold onto that.
the reality blow though was when they said that this is something that will need to be managed...not something that will go away.
I have been viewing it as such- I just wish I was better and knowing what was wrong and how to correct it myself before the downward cascade starts. I have to wonder will I ever be able to do self PT correctly....
Im back to watching how I sit, and after basically just living more free... this is so rough. it is almost like I am afraid to move... even right now as I type this I wonder am I somehow affecting the muscles Iand the joint.
I also am noticing that this is more SI joint that is what sets everything else off. frustrating beyond words...but also somewhat of a breakthru that I am able to pinpoint what is causing me pain.
my goals still remain.... walking a block
strenghtening
adding stretching.
as I drove home today it seemed like everything was in slow motion- Im not sure why it was like that, maybe a chance for me to stop and take in the small things in life... I just wish the three amigos didnt control my life so much... if only i could just stay aligned.... I think I would be so much better.
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