Thursday, July 28, 2011

setback take TWO

I dont think I have any tears left after crying for half an hour tonite until I got tired of the tears.

I knew I was in trouble when the vulva was red again...I knew I was in trouble when I had the burn back...I knew it... and knew what probably was the cause.  the damn PC.... 

but even though I attempted two nites in a row to do the self PT... it still was beyond tight at todays session.   Man did that sucker hurt on the right side at 8 o'clock.  damn it PC.   and then I go right to the why...what did I do to trigger that.

and I do that because for MONTHS the PC was OK.... and I have been more things I shouldnt have been
i could barely lay down tonite...can barely even sit or semi sit on the couch, standing hurts.... heck everything hurts to even breathe.      She also had to put my sacrum back in yet again, so that always makes things even more miserable as the muscles hate to go back into place

so here I am just like after 4th of July....

PT does not want me to loose hope.... and she is very supportive...and she is right... this is probably just minor and I will go back to baseline.... I am doing more now...I am doing all that I can. to manage this horrid condition.
sometimes it isnt so horrid.....
the progress I have made is profound- but I panic (that is what it is panic...fear)  I fear i will spiral down...I fear the vulva will stay red.... I cant let Fear win....  this has to just calm I am determined to find out where exactly that PC is...and how to release the darn thing.... 
she said by this weekend I can sit again, but to not put too much pressure on that area until what she did calms down.  the burn is pretty bad.... i guess even though it was released it still is very very angry at me...
really I wish the PC and me could live in harmony... I dont mean the PC any harm...  I dont know what makes it so angry.

on a positive note the left side was near normal... the right not so bad really.... overall picture, not so bad...  but yet I am so beyond miserable.  
I had hope, I now have panic.   My PT has brought me back from some pretty bad flare ups...horrific ones like the one time that I had injections and they flared up the PC so badly that for MOnths ( i swear it was atleast three straight months) of PC burning.... and tightness that would not let up...   yea , so I guess in comparison this isnt so just burns. 
and i have stuff to do... stuff that I now had to cancel sucks... but I guess that is life with this mess.

it makes me appreciate my good days all the more though....laying here like I am now used to be my daily norm. actually it was worse than this...flares that only capsaisin could control....  

my one wish is that this burn goes away.


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