the final day of 2011

I guess it is normal to be a bit reflective as the year closes.  However, as 9PM rolled in I found myself rather depressed an alone-   I could just picuture everyone out and about at the parties...  friends were posting on FB to parties I wasnt asked to attend- and well my imagination got the best of me.


but a funny thing happened- the closer it got to midnite the less down I felt- I spent the last few min of 2011 ringing in the new year with a friend who also has the three amigos as her friends...   I got a surprise phone call...
and then the nite suddenly became much brighter...  a neighbor on his trumpet, kids in the street and fireworks lighting up the sky....  I went outside , in the fresh air  and soaked it all in... enjoying it all... not wanting any of it to end.   I still find myself wanting to go back out there for one more finale. 
so I made it thru one of the loneliness New Years ever...

I have a lot to do to work on me in 2012-
I must get back on track with a routine to work on these muscles
I have to sleep better and eat better
limit stress
live more for me
in away i feel some relief, but also so pressure as to what is instore for me in 2012
I never want to relive a year like 2011 ever again, it did not treat me well at all.   I learned a ton, but at a great cost.

so- as i stand here typing this i feel my PFD is tight... but I have hope that this year I will improve like never before- I have hope and a chance

Period trying to kill me AGAIN

This all started Sunday nite when I was woke up with what I thought were cramps.... I say thought because I still am not really sure ... so I thought OK, my period will start....well it didnt and still hasnt started... it is just hanging on causing all kinds of havoc in my GI tract and my PFD... my pelvis across the top hurts...I dont quite understand why THIS month and why now...when my body seemed to be showing signs of improvement...it makes no sense.

as I lay here typing..I still do not have a flow... but yet can feel the uterus trying to contract.... this sux... i wonder if maybe the flow will not happen....is this the month I loose my period for good...will I be stuck like this are all things that go thru my mind.... FEAR is the worst thing right now.

Heart stuff- last nite while on the phone with my friend and after I had just eaten i was lying down on a heating pad... and felt this flutter in my throat and I had to cough.... sometimes this happens and it goes away but this time it did not....  thankfully i was on the phone with a friend of mine that also has a similar health problem.... and she had me take my pulse........it was 120 resting... and I could feel my heart beating very fast.... and kept having to cough.  

i wore a heart monitor in the past... and it didnt pick up anything.... i really think this is all hormonal... because like i said this period not starting is causing me a lot of pressure.... type of feeling....ugh.... so frustrating...

and why at a time when I was doing better........... im so worn from this. 

guess a gyn appointment is in order.  because there is something seriously going on.

praying really hard the period flow starts today and it will be an end to this misery.  I am still going to try and get in my walk and some excercises... i cant let this get in the way of doing that.

Finally

I am hesitant to post this as each time i report something positive it seems...it gets whipped away..  However, this time even if it does I know i have reached this point in my journey.

first of all my PFD is holding its own again.   I am so releaved to be able to do an internal on the rt side and have a lot more room in there.. like normal even.  WOW.  and the trigger points are more localized.

obtrator closer to the outside (PC muscle ) on the left...  and sometimes similar on the rt side too.

I now know when my leg needs a pull to correct the SI upslip (frustrating that this happens more than I would like)

but my PT said now is the time if there will be any chance to get past the stage i am in now I MUST get disciplined...and encorporate strenghtening    MUST. do it.  So I have started.  sloowly.

yesterday I did leg lifts over the ball and some leg lifts while on all fours.  today I did the usual lap around the neighborhood... weather is getting cold but I seemed to hold up OK.   some SI pain and a little feeling like I have to have the leg pulled...but I did it.   I did it while having one of the worst nites in a long time, as my period tried to kill me... which felt like an attack on my GI tract.  but i DID it.

it feels good to be mobile..as i remember the days when I wasnt.

I also have my appetite back, which I am beyond thankful for...

I started taking a supplement Samento and ultra flora probiotics... which i think are really helping me to feel better.. odd as that is.   whatever i am doing seems to be working... 

I have some emotional baggage hanging around though.. that sort of keeps coming to the forefront that I must just put to the back of my mind and propel forward.

my new saying is ' i just keep walking'   and that I do ... i havent walked this much in YEARS... and it sure feels good!  Physically I am walking and emotionally i will be walking as well.  I must if I want to regain my life.  or some part of my life.

I have hope... and I will not stop believing I will again get on that eliptical.. and have a more stable SI joint...
my new goal is to get back to the gym and I will do that in 2012 no matter what I will get back there.  and once back i will keep walking while there too... and i will never stop going again ever.

in 2007- i was in a very good place while going to the gym...however my PFD was like a vice...now pfd is better and external just is not strong enough...sooo like the PT said this is my best shot... and im going to make it happen.