Thursday, July 16, 2015

It's been awhile

I'm going to give this blogging a go again. I've mostly not posted because overall I am doing better. I'm writing more to just get something off my chest because I can't keep having it over in my mind, I tend to over think. So, let's see...on the dating front ...I've had some prospects...nothing really panned out though. So, I've been chatting with someone I interact with almost daily, I've been talking on and off with them for about two years...recently it has been more on than off in regards to chatting when I see them, So recently the conversations have gotten more personal. I am fairly quiet and really keep to myself. But this person has slowly gotten me to come out of my shell so to speak, their light hearted, off the wall nature seemed like just what I needed. So fast forward to the other day..they make a joke saying oh I bet u are on x site... And I'm like what is that? Is that a real site. They say yes..kinda smiling and laughing a bit. So they explain the site...and I ask if they have a profile and they do. All the while I am thinking...why is this person sharing such a personal thing with me of this nature. The convo continues and they mention they used to model when they were in better shape. I of course think this is just one of their jokes. The convo continues with more flirting on their part.... I decide to just go with it. Later I check out the site...and since I'm somewhat of a good detective I finD their profile, I stood their stunned and I'm sure my mouth was hanging open.... All this time I thought this person was a guy...come to find out they are transgender. i always questioned if they were possibly gay...I knew they were pan sexual. It took me awhile to let the shock where off... A lot didn't and still doesn't make sense. The flirting, the banter....I started to think way to much about all of it. With the spotlight on the transgender community of late, this is in my face daily... I find this person very nice to chat with They seem, fun, and odd in a quirky way. we are both somewhat reclusive and have some things in common. We can chat for awhile. Many would probably Run away at this point, but for some reason I feel drawn to figuring this out. Figure out why they mentioned that site...find out as much as they are willing to tell me, Today I interacted with them, but we both were rather subdued ...I am in a bad ic flare. But there definently was something missing from the conversation today. I have to wonder does he know that I know? I'm just not so sure. Maybe he just felt awkward or vulnerable or maybe I'm over thinking, I always feel like I live a lie..faking being healthy just to get thru life. Wondering when to tell guys about my illnesses , the sex etc....and here is this guy also hiding and in a huge way faking. I'm not sure where this will all lead,,,originally I was giving myself until the end of the month... So I will see them again tomorrow and I'm going to bring up a few things, maybe even that site. See how they act. The flirting last week was a bit over the top.

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