the waiting room

i drove to the appointment both anxious and hopeful. i rode the elevator with a nice couple headed to the same floor as me...upon arriving i entered a waiting room full of people ...this is not something u want when u are dealing with what they eXpect is a thombrosed hemmroid.....so there we all sat...well i stood...and as time goes on u make small talk...at one point we were ready to order in a pizza....one by one we get called back. im next and im super anxious....i just want the pain to stop...for my mind to be at ease for my faith to be restored in the medical community....it is my turn...that time sure went fast. ahhh im back with the kind dr..i meet in his office first...then off to the exam.....not sure why i was so axcious..i mean my crotch has been looked at by many...ive had this exam before when treating the fissure.....im inverted and...it hurts the exam...but i breathe an relax and realize ive felt way worse....i mean common this girl has had vulva injections!....so he confirms a thombrosed hemmroid .rx cream and pain med...and im on my way. upon exiting i see a wonderful display of xmas lights and i stand aand relax and take it all in. so good news no fissure bad news this will take time. it has been a rough few weeks.

If only healthy people knew what this was like-- really knew what it was like

It is tough to juggle things outside my health realm right now..... and it doesnt take much to stress me out ... some people dont understand this.   I'm going thru a lot right now.... and just need a break... but cant take one ... because i have so much to figure out.

I cant let others bring me down- because i have a lot to figure out regarding my health.

Im in somewhat of an SIJD flareup.... there is a storm coming and im not sure if i should cancel PT.. since i will see the osteo next week.. or not.


im sick of these decisions...  sick of the added stresses.   its also a hormonal flare up.. i tend to do better during my period.  and now all is burning.  

i cant wait for my bath... mostly i just wish i would stop attracting drama... i need to focus on me and my health i cannot allow anything to get in the way of that.

i dont care if im alone anymore... i just need to figure some crap out.  

sure it would be great to go back in time , but i cant so i must try to focus on me now... and eventually hope things work themselves out...  in time.    I have gone a long time without PT.... the osteo flared me but then helped.....  

my fav time of the yr and im in a flare

yea so  this flare is partially my own doing....ive made progress with my neck..so i got overly ambitious..over the weekend..reaching above my head on shelvess..lifting..carrying boxes..and whamo..neck is mighty pissed.  when i say neck i mainly mean the upper trap muscle..it doesnt take much to stir up the pain..i am miserabke.  this entire right sided body twisted mess has got to improve.

im seeing a new dr just had one appt..but they feel my fascia is contributing to my si joint being tugged up..thus causing an upslip..did i mention extremely tight fascia...it seems it is always one step fwd one bacmk

i am hopeful this dr will be able to help... my bladder is also flaring..and i think my obtrator is tight on the rt..a side i cant reach myself..uggggh.

so while im feeling sorry for myself tonite
i amthankful for the progress that i have made...i just need to re
f
rame thisnexk pain becausethisreallysux...butalso shows how far i have come...i jusat haveto watchmy posturemore and not so stupis thingsapolovies for the typostypingon a tabletry  with neck pain

is anyone still reading? after a long hiatus im back

well sorta back.  I h
ad another injury that has occured that made it next to impossible to be on the computer all that long to even type up a blog about it.  what i have learned is becareful what you complain about because suddenly you may get something so much worse.

I have battled back though.. through my own self doubt... my pain, my frustrations.. thru tears.. I have battled and am making progress on the other injury.  it is similar in that i hold tension now in that are so like the PFD... it sux at times.. but seems to be much easier to get out of a flareup... which is a blessing.

my PFD seems to be better- however The VVS is starting to flare more lately when the PC is tight.. and yes I still do not quite have the hang of internal PT.. but I think that Im about to have a lightbulb moment where that is concerned.   I am getting better with doing the left... which burns a TON!!!  the right rarely ever burns now... ( progress.. luck.. i dunno)

im on self pay for PT again and that is stressful enough.. my world is still very upside down.. and i pray each day that I can go to work Part time again .. so im not so stressed.

I started a strenghtening routine and im seeing some slight results.. im able to walk more but not everyday.   Stretching still makes me worse at times.. so im backing off that a bit.

the SI joint is a KEY role in all of this .. bigger part of the pic than i ever thought.

i just wish i could sit without the PC engaging and causing so much burning....  this time though it s like no other point i have ever been at before... im going to continue to walk. contine to strenghten.... something is bound to work.    If i battled that other injury i surely have the power to battle the three amigos.. i just have to find away to self manage it better and that starts with mastering the internal..something that has always been just out of my reach.    so right now im burning and flaring...
but if i look back in time.. this really is mild compared to where i was... this stuff takes time and patience... but im not going to let it beat me.  I will work again.....   but for now im going to take my meds and get some sleep..   if anyone is still reading feel free to comment.    Any tips on the internal would be greatly appreciated.

over did it again

so i know why i am flaring... that is a plus.
another positive is my period did NOT try to kill me this month..i just wish it stuck around a little longer than 3 days... my PFD doesnt li
ke when it abruptly exit 

Im upset tonite... depressed even... not because of this setback, but because it seems as if everyone in my life just decided to suck all at once today.  I wouldnt care normally... but tonite I am very sensitive. 
i feel very alone... and stuck... and in a setback where mentally i need to remain positive so I dont slip down that slipperly slope.

I hate relying on people hate it....   im writing here in the blog format so I dont sent out emails saying I am upset with those I am so that they will in turn lash at me more.  I admit Im not in a good place, but Im better than these people.. judgemental people.

the one appointment i needed to keep tomorrow i canceled... because I overdid it...  i have to think is my life really worth it...
i wonder what will happen if I just go into hibernation from these judgemental people..

really im down because of them.... ugh.. really... I need to pull myself up and soon..
another positive LAST week I got myself out of a flare.. yes ME.. completly out of a mega flare up... it was so beyond cool to have done that..  and PT was nothing... almost normal tone... im getting there.. little by little I am.
my T really helps me, wish I didnt have to cancel tomorrow... i kinda think I need him this week... i need something. 

the pain of overdoing it...ugh

OK, ok, so I freaking overdid it AGAIN.... only this time it feels so much worse.

I thought ok weather is nice so I will go out and walk...and i added two blocks to the walk... so then i did some stuff outside, and then did about 4 sets of leg lifts...

and then did an internal.. left side still burns today really bad...even have the burning pee back again...  today was emotionally tough....  knowing I caused all of this tightness...  and knowing that I have a very very loooong road ahead of me to gain back this muscle.

someone told me tonite that muscle takes time lots of time... they gave me some pointers that I hope to implement... they seem so positive and so driven...

I feel so alone lately... so friends have really let me down.. I was pretty sad tonite... the pain coupled with this just was too much and I just cried and still am crying.  I know I am better than this, better then them and their snide remarks...  one has gone distant again, and this is getting ridiculous on so many levels... way beyond acceptable and tolerable...   and I know they will indeed let me down tomorrow...and that sux.  and their is other oddness I want to discuss with them, but cant--  something is amiss and i hate that feeling. doing something that makes no sense at all no explanation doesnt sit well with me at all. feeling of being set up is not fun.

the other i will distance from... they are bringing up a lot of pain from my past that I thought I had dealt with....but do we ever really?  I just dont know.  All I know is that this person is the mirror image of another that is causing me pain currently.  It is a lot to process....but I most likely will have to if I want to get to a healthy place.  Thankfully I have a T session this week...as I want to run this by them to see their thoughts on my revelation.

I want more than anything to be understood... to have consistency in my life, to not have to rely on others... to not feel so beyond hurt.
but as I lay here typing with the V burning on the left, my right glutte throbbing..... and everything seems to be burning...i wonder what is the point....  im so fed up with my body.

I have the fissure back...i had four BM's in 8 hrs time yesterday...it was crazy... 

I just want to be happy... to not have this pain, to gain the muscle back.. seems so simple but yet so far away.

there is not one aspect of my life I feel in control of, not one.  I hope in the next few days to gain some clarity, much needed clarity.   and of course I hope tomorrow is a better day, as i have a ton of errands to accomplish ... I hope this pain goes away.

I want to give up , but cant, wont... I will try again to do the exercises... and hope for the best.  I also will hold out some  hope that some more supportive people will come into my life.  I think I do have two that sort of could fill that role.  they both seem to get me. 

ok, guess it is time for bed... tired of crying