this nite is tough

the constipation acted up last week and as a result aggrivated the fissure again.... it wasnt even constipation really...was just too large to pass...... so that upset the IC muscle on both sides and the left PC muscle that even after PT would not calm down...  so it was a mess....and today I had more BM nightmares.... and my PFD is a wreck.... the fissure is reinjured and I have even lost my appetite.   Loosing my appetite is not good because I am so thin to begin with..............I just wish this could correct itself already.

I have a second opinion with another colon dr this week and hoping he will prescribe the new treatment for fissures that most of the Dr are prescribing that actually helps to heal them.    Im very worn tonite.........I feel like the Doctors are missing something....I have been dealing with this fissure on and off since last November.

I fear it has something to do with the mold here but I dunno.......I just dunno anymore.
I have a marathon week of Dr appts.......even one tomorrow on Halloween which is usually off limits...and now I wish that it was because I have no clue with the pain I am in how I will sit that long to get there. 

I need a miracle to happen for this to be cured and for me to start gaining some weight.   I am also loosing ground on walking etc because of this pain.......guess i will eventually push thru it...ugh.   somehow push thru it ...... keeping fingers crossed by Friday I might have some answers.    it is just every time I think I am making ground I get pushed back down again.   It rained and snowed here yesterday....who knows if that is a factor with the mold... I sure cant figure this one out.

mixed

yes mixed... all mixed up, mixed feelings...that is what i feel mixed.

PT appt was rather interesting.... despite my increased activity ...walking more, visiting an orchard...etc... my PFD held its own for a month now.... right side was normal and the left had the obtrator right near the opening at a tone of a two.   when she released that it caused V burning ....ugh.

the external...like is suspected the sacrum was off.... and when I told her where my pain was she also found a very very sore ligament...that really really hurt like a biatch..when she released it but boy did that feel good later...amazing what that release work does.  the rt side needed a correction and leg pull too despite me correcting so much during the week...suspect it was due to the sacrum being off.

now here is the most interesting part...I have been having problems with my neck for a few weeks... but kept forgetting to bring it up to my PT....  she seemed to know what it was just by me describing the symptoms.... and went right too the area...turns out it was my rib causing some of the pain....odd , right... for the first time in years I had full range of motion with my neck... amazing.  today though feels a bit sore... but overall dizziness is gone... amazing...     so frustrating that PT is the only one to figure anything out about me...Docs just dont know what to make of me and my symptoms...but she figures it out.

I am feeling so overwhelmed with life though lately..... just wish I could deal with my health and that would be it ...like the good old days...but I just cant.... 

I also have a low tolerance for people who seem to only be about themselves....I just cant deal with them at all anymore.... so far I have distanced myself from one person that used to be part of my support they no longer are and that is my choice...for once. it does hurt as I got a msg tonite...that really ticked me off about them....  I was accomodating them....and shouldnt have been...lesson learned...heck we barely talk anymore anyway... and I feel myself avoiding them...dont feel like fitting into their life.... heck i dont even fit into my own life.  their email made me a bit more depressed.

  I am starting to be thankful for those I do have...and not wishing that I had those other types in my life... I guess it will all work out with those that should be in my life staying.  the above person is oblivious to ME and my life......and that is sad very sad.  

I am rather worried though about ths burning with urination....why I have it now...is it possibly yeast.... I just dont know....but what I do know is I dont like it.   the fissure is also acting up...seems it just wont heal...  and that is rather scary too....  im just so damn overwhelmed.

so , yes mixed... hopefully that more activity gave me less PF symptoms but -  worried about the burning etc.

slight improvement i will take it

PT session was better this week...although I lay here recovering as I usually do the day after PT.  Overall for three weeks now the PFD is holding its own...this is with adding walking two blocks and strenghtening....  the leg pulls are what is the key though...to keeping everything aligned especially after any walking.... it is tough living alone and needing a pull... I am thankful for my mom when she can stop by and give the leg a good pull and get me out of the pain.  It is a miracle really.



back to the PFD..the rt side needed a leg pull...internal..the PC at 8 and the IC were at a one tone wise...although her release really hurt- she explained it was because overall the PF was good and I now felt that more because those were the only tight spots.  Lft side was the obtrator and that was at a two. 
she showed me this one exercise and WOW i  can now see what she is talking about my rt side is so beyond week...no strenght at all and probably why I keep going off on the rt side... I need to work on this, like really work on it. 

I am actually bummed tonite, because it would have been a walking nite, but I am too sore still... frustrated a bit , but I need to recover and not push things.
I have other health issues too though, head pressure, sinus like symptms , dizziness and some stomach issues... somene said it is a bug...but I think it is the mold issues here I am dealing with. 
I just pray this PFD stays like this so I can rebuild this rt side....  I need more muscle.

as my PT said even cancer patients can get strong again, so I am determined to do just that. 

I did once again loose someone in my support network.... I think this will be the final time too...no resolution can be made with us...and while it hurts  a lot ... I will put all that hurt into physically making myself better.   it just sux as they were in my life for awhile now.... truth be told though, they did some hurtful things.... sux when things must come to an end.

hopefully, though the PFD will continue to hold out...i Really need a break from it...and I want to remain positive that I wll improve now that I have added in exercises.   God please make this happen.

dont over think

I'm trying to remember these words my PT told me at the last session. She is so beyond right....and this reaches even outside the PT rhealm of things.

Ive been so used to trying to figure otu my own health that I am constantly over thinking things.
she told me that is what she is there for...so if an excercise she suggests doesnt work for me I will tell her and she will figure out why and where to go from there.   So, that is what I have been doing with the physical part... Im just going with it.

I am happy to report that my PC muscle on the right is back to normal...in fact the whole right internal was close to normal..the left was tighter but not by much..........so conclusion the fissure was driving those muscles to stay tight.   I never thought I would reach this point and here I am.  so it is time to add in the strenghtening to it.... and try to regain some muscles.

My period this month has been heavy and Im still dealing with those other symptoms that no Dr can figure out.
and on top of that two friends who were part of y support network...are just causing me too much angst.

I t hink I just need to retreat inward for awhile...  and just be by myself...   it is just hurtful to be going thru all of this and then hav more hurt on top of it.  Im sure I am just more sensitive now...but still.   neither of them have any issues with me...or atleast they never bring it up to me...it is always me having issues with them.  

I just wish I could get my life back...... so I wouldnt need this type of support...  maybe it is time now to be my own support system once again.   sucks though    ...I just feel so alone.

the Dr marathon has began

Im going to just write about todays appointment........ Im so drained...it was 2hrs with a cardiologist...most of which was testing.   Im laying here now with a heart monitor on..which is itching the shit out of me.   Im not supposed to sleep on my side, but with my PFD issues... that is how I sleep.   Not sure if this will even show anything at all.

the Cardio didnt seem to know what to make of my symptoms.   and I got a bit annoyed when he asked ' how are your nerves'   I had to think for a moment...what was he talking about here... because when someone says nerves to me... I think real nerves.   So I asked for clarification...and then he said how is your stress, anxiety... ever been to a psychiatrist.... I thought WTF....   the Dr last week asked similar... I have to wonder if these are standard questions now... I am so far removed from Dr... that this kinda stung a bit.   I wish it was just 'nerves"  asses all of them..   

I have a lot of new scary symptoms...as I lay here...something is wrong with my throat... I did have some chicken broth... but it is like menthol is in my throat...a very odd sensation that sort of pulses..   I have many new symptoms..  
eye floater is worse
cant seem to sleep
startle reflex has increased
cognitive dysfunction is very bad
driving makes things worse...
somewhat off balance and dizzy...
cant get out of bed in the morning.

Im living in mold too and I know that isnt helping anything as I lay here I can smell it, but cant find another place to live and that is stress alone... but so not causing these odd symptoms.
I think they maybe hormonal too... I am more sensitive, my period is sort of starting with the normal brown spotting.   I dont know what to make of any of t his but it mostly started while on the cipro or after...with that constipation.

I just feel so weepy...like wtf is going on already with that too... sensitive to so many things right now...and so tired of being sick and alone.   guess I need to build up my support network again. I lost someone I thought was going to be there...they sort of are coming back...but it is causing more stress for me to have them in the picture...Im not sure what to do about it really- damned if I do damned if I dont.... but I think something will have to give.  I will sleep on it for now.

Positives-
I am still living
my GI system seems to be recovering, very very slowly but recovering...and I am beyond thankful for that...   having a BM daily is a gift from God.   just wish I could gain some weight. 

will be thankful when this monitor is off of me for good. tomorrow morning...

I feel like I just need a good cry. 

ok...im officially worried

Im worn out..I have used up all of my reserves...every last bit of them.

I am still suffering with the fissure....   had PT and the obtrator on both sides was very very tight...something I am not at all used to...not even close.  It took me back to the beginning days of PT...those painful , painful days...  then the PC was still tight...  it sucks, I cried, and it still sucks....

I have to go easy on myself , yet I want to know why I am like this, how to get back to my baseline.....  I just dont know what to make of any of it.

is it the mold here making me sick now....since these symptoms started when that did.  or was it the antibiotic that stirred stuff up.
all I know is that it hurts...really hurts.
I guess with something like a fissure you cant expect the PFD to just go along with it.   It is just that the last time i had the fissure the IC muscle was always tight.....and now that isnt...so it just has me worried.
I really have been sick for a month now.......... and this really sucks.... 

positives-   I can now eat again....not so much nausea...as before...and I feel hungry and full.
goal- to rest... have the pc relax thus having the V have less burn
overall goal...heal that fissure.

my period is trying to kill me

i lay here completly defeated....I have not had a period like this in MONTHS....   last nite I thought for sure I would pass out from the pain.... it was the uterus I think... stiring up the oberator...and wow did it hurt....that on top of the bowel.....  I am so worn out..... I guess this is what labor feels like.

Im not even sure why my body is allowing for a period since my weight is so low..... I also think some sort of infection is at play here.... because my vulva really feels burny...... it sucks... and there is just nothing I can do about it.   the fissure does not seem to want to heal...... I just dont know what direction I should really go in with this or what Dr I should see.
there is more mold here in this house...could that be it....I dunno.    All I know is that my period has not tried to kill me in quite sometime....so why now.... I literally am back to peg one with all of this.